I'm starting to feel the weight of growing up and graduating. Everyone is asking what I plan on doing after I graduate so here is what I've got in mind.

1. I'm for sure staying around through the next semester. A ton of people want me to stay and I'm trying (keyword: trying) to be a good influence on a couple people. I hope to use next semester to transition myself into either further studies or something else.

2. It was mentioned to me to consider teaching conversational English in South Korea. It is an interesting proposition and I've considered it heavily. I don't really know if I want to spend an entire year away from everyone, but it is an interesting propostion. Plus, there is the whole North Korea testing nukes thing and crazy stuff like that, I really have no desire to set off an airplane into a shooting match.

3. I've considered taking the next semester and working like crazy and saving up some cash, traveling to either Europe or Australia (Chuck, need someone to help with your Church?)and finding a flat, a job and living over seas for a bit. This one probably interests me the most because I honestly just want to see some of the world.

4. Seminary. It would be nice, I think I would like to attend seminary and I know I could do the work. I already have huge college debt and I honestly want to take a break.

5. Church positions are also an option, I've been told about several that could use someone like me so that was good news too.


Now to the title of this blog...

It was said the other day in a sermon that you keep God at the same place you keep everyone else in your life. For the most part I keep people at arms length, its a defense mechanism. I have a select few people that I actually let close and develop intimate close friendships with, I could probably count them on two hands. Some people like lots of friends and a few close ones. I have an inner circle, there is nothing wrong with that. I have alot of friends but few are in the inner circle. I realize I really don't trust alot of people and in doing so I treat them a certain way, sometimes I'm suspect of their actions and at times critical. I really do care and deeply desire for people to realize that I am much, much more than that. I really do deeply care about people and there is something that is alot deeper about me I just don't show it that much. I really do have a big heart but it gets hidden behind my defensive wall. I'm kinda like Sawyer from Lost, such a rugged, rude/mean character at times at other times a nice, He's actually a decent human being/character. I need to stop playing/relying on the tough guy image when in all reality I'm really not that way, I just act that way to keep people from messing with me.

Probably my biggest fear is to be hurt or taken advantage of, as humans our first instinct is to avoid pain before experiencing pleasure or anything good, I'm finding this to be completely true. I realize I'm not open, I don't share with people like I want to, I don't treat people like I really care and I'm tired of that. I said something to a friend of mine last week "There is much more to me than that, you just don't even know." and her response was "I don't know because you've never bothered to show me". That stuck with me, people know what they see, a bad conclusion on their part maybe or bad communication of fact on my part. I'm tired of "faking it" for self preservation. I've realized we are all going to get hurt, so turn the other cheek and get over it. And turn it again to be hit again, and hit again, and again. Defend yourself when appropriate because we can't let people walk all over us but have a heart of meekness, show Christ's love by being real, don't worry about being hurt so much.

I guess the lession I need to learn is, I need to take bigger risks, to put myself out there more, be more open with people, show my true heart and realize God is there to catch me when it doesn't go like I plan. I need to realize that not everyone is going to let me down or disappoint me and to not let each failure or disappointment carry over into every other thing I do.

Life is going great for the most part, I just sense I need to grow up in some areas and this would be one of them. You can't ever build relationships without trust and I just need to trust and let go of old hurts and old feelings and trust God to help me and guide me in this area of my life.

I got off work like 45 minutes ago, I slept a total of probably 4 hours last night but I'm not ready to sleep, go figure. I was going to write tomorrow night but decided not to. anyway a brief update.

My senior chapel went very well. I was prepared in advance, I worked on preaching with out an outline or manuscript (to eliminate my dependence on it) and it worked. I knew I knew the material and scripture so I just talked from my heart. I walked back stage after I'd finished and did a little celebrative fist pump and sat down. I was excited/sad/thrilled it was all over. Afterwards, the usual you've done a good job followed but several stuck out. Cody and Hank told me I did a great job and pointed out a couple of things which was very helpful (I misspoke a word and put my hands in my pocket at one point) Other than that they enjoyed it and said I really communicated my point well. Dr. Wood winked at me and then got up and hugged me, Dr Fipps found me leaving the cafe and shook my hand telling me I had done well. Hank later told me Dr. Fipps used my sermon and what I had talked to him about the previous day about (being crazy nervous and preparing and practicing) as illustration for a point he was making and told the class I had done a great job, massively flattering to say the least. A number of freshmen actually came up and said they were terribly disappointed that they had to go to freshmen chapel.

Overall, I am happy about it, I felt comfortable probably the most comfortable I've ever been in the pulpit, I actually wasn't scared. The praise was nice, I'm finding it hard to accept it, its great and all but I know I don't deserve it and its not mine so i'm kinda like....what do I do with this.

I'm finding I'm sad thats all this is about to come to an end. I've got several freshman and sophomores that I think kind of look up to me and respect me. Many have asked If i'm going to be around in the spring. I've decided pretty much I'm going to stay here through next spring and then decide what is next.

I've considered several things but right now I really want to travel overseas, so i'm going to see what develops there.

I'm meeting alot of new and cool people from all over the place which is really cool. I like new friends.

anyway I'm wiped and I volunteered to help and work in the morning at 9....I need sleep.

a parting note check out Demon Hunter's accoustic set of My Heartstrings Come Undone on their myspace page and an Undying crazy techno remix on their purevolume.

Tearing through these days I find the tolerance to strive and push on
I know what lies beyond this life for me is already won
No one can take away the blood that covers over my fall
Without the blood of perfect life I know I’m nothing at all
So now I reign forever hallowed in eternity’s hand
No man can shake me from the everlasting ground that I stand


When this season ends…


One final heart-break
And blinding lights will guide our way
Free us our blind state
They will call us by our name
Undying

We are the ones who will still remain when all is laid to waste
We are the ones who, when angels cry, will see them face to face
We are the ones

in less than 10 hours I will be preaching in chapel. I feel like throwing up, I am intensely nervous. I know I won't be able to sleep. Cody, Cliffton and myself won trivia night tonight. I was hoping that would psyche me up, it didn't. I'm listening to Emery right now to kinda of rev the engine before morning.

I'm just like crazy stressed.....i'm going to totally crash tomorrow afternoon, its going to be nasty.

anyway, i've been angry lately. I think i've written that once before. I just can't get past somethings and I desperately want to. There is no dang sense things should linger around this long. I've done all I can to just be normal and for some reason can't. I've done everything I could possibly think to bury this thing, I've gone to people who didn't have a clue I ever had a problem with them and asked forgiveness and confessed to them, I've gotten rid of everything I was holding onto. So I just don't freaking get it. I'm writing this because I'm frustrated and tired and this is my blog and I honestly want to vent this out. Tom talked about anger on sunday and it really hit home so i'm processing that. I just feel hurt I guess, I realize I don't know alot of things, I don't like feeling hurt because I'm vunerable and I don't like feeling vunerable. sigh....this is stupid....I really didn't want to write about this but I've been holding it a while and I had to let it out...sigh....

this has been lingering around for a little bit now, just hid it or tryed to ....but I think most people could tell something was the matter...I don't hide things well.

anyway good night....chapel in the morning at 10:50...pray I don't flip out ;)

I just got off work and I can't sleep. I'm somewhat stressed about my senior chapel on thursday. My sermon is written I'm basically just tinkering with it now. I'm really excited, but I'm nervous I won't do a good job, I mean everyone will be there. I'm hungry but don't want to eat, sad and not sure why. Its raining in buckets and it depresses me, its getting dark early now and I hate it. In my head the day ends when the sun goes down, so this is starting to stink. I always get weird right around the change from summer to fall and fall to winter.

I've been pretty consistant with working out lately. I'm glad to see some results, my arms are definately getting bigger. One of my goals was to have my arms fill out my shirt sleeves. Well i'm getting there. I never thought I'd actually say I kind of enjoy going to the gym.

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks too, I'm kinda looking forward to that. I'm going to try to do something exciting but alas no rock shows i really want to see are coming around this area.

Nobody ever reads mine and Brady's movie blog....or at least they don't comment on it. It's really kind of frustrating, I put alot of time in it and do it to help people decide on good movies. It's Cinemastandard.blogspot.com, check it out and post a comment I appreciate it.

Sigh it's like 1:30 and I don't want to sleep, but I need to. I'm just sitting here listening to some music (Breaking Benjamin's new cd is awesome, and 30 seconds to Mars is pretty good too) and watching movie trailers. I don't have classes or anything tomorrow but I do want to get alot of things done.

Anyway, I'm going to end this here. Pray for me, I can sense the darkness creeping in and I don't want it to. Take care everyone.

wow two posts in one day.....crazy.


Anyway, I've delayed writing about this for a while but it came up again and I discussed it with some people and so I'm writing about it. (Catches breath).

I recently picked up my copy of Searching for God knows What by Don Miller and I read through the chapter titled Adam, Eve and the Alien.In that chapter Don states from the alien's point of view that

they [Humans] are an entirely beautiful people with a terrible problem.

The problem that he is refering to is that we, human beings judge ourselves, compare ourselves, and try to derive our worth from unfulfilling places. In other words....not God. Spending time with his friend the space alien, Don watches basketball and the alien asks why we play. Don's simple response is to determine the better team and the alien doesn't understand why. Feeling a little put off by the alien, Don turns the channel and stops by the shows that are all competition or comparison. Survivor, The Bachelor, Fear Factor or any of the plethora of shows with similar content. The alien picking up on the fact that competition and comparison dominates our world says

you are obsessed. You have to wear a certain kind of clothes, drive a certain car, speak a certain way, live in a certain neighborhood, whatever, all of it so you can be higher on an invisible hierarchy. It's an obsession! You are trying to feel right by comparing yourself to others. It is ridiculous. Who told you there was anything wrong with you in the first place? Don't you know that a human is just a human.

We have missed something and we have missed something big. We have missed the fact that we are the Imago Dei, we are made in the image of God. Our self worth should come from God, period, end of story. But let one person tell you your ugly, or cut you down about something that you are good at and that goes quickly out the window. What happens when we base our self worth on our ablity to play a sport, what other people think of us, our looks, our intellence or any number of things that cause us to be noticed? What happens when you break your throwing arm or tear your ACL? What happens when you find out that someone is actually smarter than you? What happens when the places you run to for worth stop validating you? Your world slowly crumbles and your left wondering what just happened?

this breaks my heart because this is a disease that afflicts many people, it is killing them and they don't even know it. I know so many beautiful, amazing, intelligent, talented, and unique people. And yet so many miss it, sin has twisted this world and God's goodness and turned it back on his people as a weapon against them. In high school I tryed so hard to be perfect, to be the smartest guy in the class, to be different and you know what....I wasn't happy. It wasn't until I realized and accepted that God loves me and that I am amazing, beautiful and desired by him that I could recover from this un-fulfilling disease. It has taken me a long while to realize and address this issue with myself and I think I understand it. One last thing....

You know in the beginning God created everything and said it was good, you think about that....because that includes you and me.

things are going pretty decently for me...

to update whats been going on in my life

1. Got a job working at the coffee shop on campus (wierd i know, me in a coffee shop but its really fun. Skinny Decaf Latte coming up)
2. Living with Brady in our apt is nice, cooking our own meals is nice.
3. Got paid today!
4. My senior chapel is coming up on Oct 19 and I'm excited. I've got a sermon brewing, it might be pretty bold but I think it will be good for campus and the revival thats going on here now.
5. hmm....Lost starts tomorrow!
6. In the last month and a half I have been part of teams that have won 150 bucks playing trivia. 2 of those times it was with Brady......how do you think we buy groceries?

anyway, thats about it.

oh remember me in your prayers.....that would be great