I'm starting to feel the weight of growing up and graduating. Everyone is asking what I plan on doing after I graduate so here is what I've got in mind.

1. I'm for sure staying around through the next semester. A ton of people want me to stay and I'm trying (keyword: trying) to be a good influence on a couple people. I hope to use next semester to transition myself into either further studies or something else.

2. It was mentioned to me to consider teaching conversational English in South Korea. It is an interesting proposition and I've considered it heavily. I don't really know if I want to spend an entire year away from everyone, but it is an interesting propostion. Plus, there is the whole North Korea testing nukes thing and crazy stuff like that, I really have no desire to set off an airplane into a shooting match.

3. I've considered taking the next semester and working like crazy and saving up some cash, traveling to either Europe or Australia (Chuck, need someone to help with your Church?)and finding a flat, a job and living over seas for a bit. This one probably interests me the most because I honestly just want to see some of the world.

4. Seminary. It would be nice, I think I would like to attend seminary and I know I could do the work. I already have huge college debt and I honestly want to take a break.

5. Church positions are also an option, I've been told about several that could use someone like me so that was good news too.


Now to the title of this blog...

It was said the other day in a sermon that you keep God at the same place you keep everyone else in your life. For the most part I keep people at arms length, its a defense mechanism. I have a select few people that I actually let close and develop intimate close friendships with, I could probably count them on two hands. Some people like lots of friends and a few close ones. I have an inner circle, there is nothing wrong with that. I have alot of friends but few are in the inner circle. I realize I really don't trust alot of people and in doing so I treat them a certain way, sometimes I'm suspect of their actions and at times critical. I really do care and deeply desire for people to realize that I am much, much more than that. I really do deeply care about people and there is something that is alot deeper about me I just don't show it that much. I really do have a big heart but it gets hidden behind my defensive wall. I'm kinda like Sawyer from Lost, such a rugged, rude/mean character at times at other times a nice, He's actually a decent human being/character. I need to stop playing/relying on the tough guy image when in all reality I'm really not that way, I just act that way to keep people from messing with me.

Probably my biggest fear is to be hurt or taken advantage of, as humans our first instinct is to avoid pain before experiencing pleasure or anything good, I'm finding this to be completely true. I realize I'm not open, I don't share with people like I want to, I don't treat people like I really care and I'm tired of that. I said something to a friend of mine last week "There is much more to me than that, you just don't even know." and her response was "I don't know because you've never bothered to show me". That stuck with me, people know what they see, a bad conclusion on their part maybe or bad communication of fact on my part. I'm tired of "faking it" for self preservation. I've realized we are all going to get hurt, so turn the other cheek and get over it. And turn it again to be hit again, and hit again, and again. Defend yourself when appropriate because we can't let people walk all over us but have a heart of meekness, show Christ's love by being real, don't worry about being hurt so much.

I guess the lession I need to learn is, I need to take bigger risks, to put myself out there more, be more open with people, show my true heart and realize God is there to catch me when it doesn't go like I plan. I need to realize that not everyone is going to let me down or disappoint me and to not let each failure or disappointment carry over into every other thing I do.

Life is going great for the most part, I just sense I need to grow up in some areas and this would be one of them. You can't ever build relationships without trust and I just need to trust and let go of old hurts and old feelings and trust God to help me and guide me in this area of my life.