Monday, January 29, 2007,2:08 AM
sleepwalking and shadows
I have alot to cover so I'm making a list.

1. For the past i don't know week or so i've been having alot of dreams. 1. I don't dream. 2. when I do I usually remember people or places I've seen. 3. lately I've been having dreams about someone I honestly don't care to dream about.

I'm not angry about it or anything like that its just strange. The heart has mended rather well, I can honestly reflect and say I learned something about myself. However, every once in a while, well hello, how are you and how the heck did you get in here? It is just strange because.....well....why now? I feel like my mind is messing with me.

2. I have for a very long time felt like I stand in the shadow of most of my friends. I'm a person of moderate intelligence, I'm on occasion funny, I'm in my personal opinion not too bad looking, I'm generally nice and when I take down my guards i'm actually sensitive and compassionate. Lately, I've felt for the most part pretty insignificant. I feel like most of the cool/interesting/good things I do go completely unnoticed and even that as a person I am easily forgettable. I have to fight for people's attention. I hate being loud! I realize that I have a loud voice but,honestly I'm loud because apparently at some point growing up I realized being loud got someone's attention. I mean it is nice when people pay attention to you, most normal people like it. I guess I'm just frustrated because the people I wish paid me a little attention for the most part aren't. I don't know how to feel about all this really. I just want to be noticed, for me, for my value and contributions , for my thoughts and ideas and for the soft heart that I actually have. I've vented now I'm done.

3. I was asked to lead a small group (I guess I was noticed a little, believe me I'm thankful) I'm not sure what book I would like to do. I'm kinda of tossing up between Wild at Heart, Velvet Elvis which I would have to read by thursday, or a couple of other books. I wanted to do Captivating and Wild at Heart in a joint Guy/Girl group, I figured I would be interesting, but I just don't know!

4. Helped edit a video that is going to shown at ALIVE next sunday. Heath and I worked hard on it for three days and I am proud of it.

It's 3:00 and I'm exhausted and I need to get some sleep. I'll leave you with this. Sleepwalking by Blindside

Sleep this time tonight
Sleepwalk in the light
Sleep this time tonight (one day we'll)
Sleepwalk out of sight

One day this world will see me at the horizon
One day from a distant light
And just before I stand to face my love
I'll turn around
And with a smile I'll say my goodbyes
Just one last goodbye
posted by Jason
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Tuesday, January 02, 2007,2:28 AM
I've had a strange feeling since graduation. This sense of completion, the sense that something is now officially over. I went to see a movie this evening and I used my college ID to get a student discount, might as well us it why I still can right? I've been reading Through Painted Deserts for the last week or so. I have enjoyed it and will probably go through one of his other books again before January comes to an end. This last month or so has been an interesting and thought provoking time for me.

Right before school let out several people including myself decided to catch this amazing meteor shower. I beat everyone out to the intramural field and walked around in the dark alone. Only a few days before graduation, I wandered around and stared at the sky. I felt completely alone and stood in awe as it seemed like I was being sucked into the vastness of the universe and all of God's splendor. I realize that moments like those are when I find myself truly at peace and in communion with God. When I am enjoying his splendor. I couldn't help but feeling infinitely small compared to the rest of his creation, a mere speck of sand on the beach of the universe. It was a humbling moment that was quickly washed away by sound of friends coming out to see God's grand firework display.

This past week being home and missing friends I decided to call up people I hadn't talked to in a while. I finally got in touch with my friend Jennifer, who over the last two years have had sporadic contact with. We used to be close, she was one, if not my only female confidant for a couple years. She went through a wild phase for a while which I caught the beginning of and am glad to know came to an end several months ago.

It was great catching up with her. We met last week, she met a few of my SWU friends that I was also hanging out with. We went to eat and had a great time. Over the last week we've spent a good deal of time together. She is going through a rough time with her ex-boyfriend and I am just bored. We were going to see Deja Vu but decided to rent a few movies instead. The Last Kiss was terrible and we never watched the Descent. I refused to watch it and she accused me of being a pansy. I took her Blue Like Jazz which she is currently reading and loving.

We celebrated New Year's Eve in my car driving across Greensboro in pursuit of a copy of The Shining. I told her we needed to watch it because it was one of the best horror movies of all time and because I needed to redeem myself from pansy status. I rented it, but half way through the copy was scratched and we went out trying to find one to buy. Two Walmarts, a Super Target, most of Greensboro and two mid-high way U turns later we still had no copy of The Shining, she was pouting about it (In a funny way), her ex was being a jerk texting and calling every 10 minutes and we missed the blasted ball dropping. To say the very least it was alot of fun.

We got the chance to talk about alot of different things on our expedition. We talked about love, God, prayer, life, change, and we concluded the evening with cookies and shooting each other with my air soft pistol. Its kinda strange how you being to realize how much you really missed someone after you hang out with them for the first time in a while. She has changed a great deal since last we really hung out. She's way more mature than she ever used to be, she's grounded and she's serious about her relationship with God. It was strange for me the first night because I was expecting one person, but gradually noticed someone completely different. All that to say this; as I spent time with my friend Jennifer my eyes began to open I could see that God was at work and doing amazing transformational things in her life and that He really will bust out in a person who has a willing heart. We may seem like a speck of dust, but God is focused and tuned into to each and everyone of us. To know where she was and what she's gone through and to have gotten to know her now has been amazing. Kinda like watching the Caterpillar change into the Butterfly.

This is what makes life interesting to me. This is what makes life worth living. This is what proves to me that God is real. To know that God made the stars and he made us and that to him we are far more important. To know that the Holy Spirit is moving, even if I don't see it all the time, to see the end result of his presense. To see people that I care about become all that God has designed them to be.

This whole encounter proved to me that God really is in control and really is doing things, I may not always see them, but He is indeed there.
posted by Jason
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