Wednesday, November 22, 2006,12:41 AM
No one reads this thing anymore so I really don't know why I am sitting here writing stuff and backspacing it all out.

I've been struggling with a couple things lately.

1. Figuring out what to do after school. I do have a few ideas and I'm waiting to hear from Stan Baker about opportunities in Australia.
2. I feel like my heart is hardening and I don't like it
3. I feel distant from God and it hurts
4. I feel really distant from alot of my friends
5. I hurt for some people and it hurts
6. I have moments where nothing makes sense
7. I miss old friends and it hurts

Honestly, in the last few weeks I've been completely swamped and overwhelmed. I've been depressed and distant. Had someone tell me the other day I was intimidating, I laughed and actually said "are you serious?"

I don't know whats wrong with me. There are some days where I just want to pack it all up into a suitcase and walk away from everything, just disappear. It is stupid and I would never honestly do it, but there are some days when I wonder what it would be like to start everything over, and I guess in a few months I'm going to know how that feels. I'm going to be leaving the comfort of school and familiar surroundings. Here I have people who look up to me, I have people who laugh at my stupid jokes and think I'm funny, I have people who help me grow and encourage me. I guess I'm just not looking forward to post graduation.

sigh...I need encouragement pretty bad

Anyway I leave you with a awesome song by Spoken, it is a remake of Cyndi Lauper's Time after Time

Lying in my bed, I hear the clock tick and think of you
Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new
Flashback, warm nights...almost left behind
Suitcase of memories...time after
Sometimes you picture me, I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said
Then you say, "Go slow", I fall behind
The second hand unwinds...
If you're lost, you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting
Time after time
After my picture fades and darkness has turned to gray
Watching through windows, You're wondering If I'm ok
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time...
posted by Jason
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