Since sunday we've had spiritual emphasis here on campus and its always a really awesome experience. Daron Earlewine from the Crux ministries in Indiana has been our speaker for the last couple days and he's been great. He's dropped some really thought provoking and heart felt messages.

In the state i've been in lately of thinking about everything this last 3 days has been like going 30 rounds with Tyson back in the day when he could kill you with a punch. I've had alot of questions and thoughts and I'm changing and it scares me slightly. Since this summer I've changed alot and its strange because I'm back here and I've grown and changed and I remember where I was last year and its strange to reflect on myself .....even if it was only like six months ago.

My biggest thing is I get so stinkin wound up in things. People from this summer and people that know me well from back home always say "man you got some crazy passion about things, it explodes out of you". And yeah i guess its true most of the time. but my problem is I feel i'm not passionate about things God wants me to be passionate about. I've read and enjoyed two of Don Millers books recently and in Blue like Jazz he comments on passion. He says something to the extent of "We should pray that God makes us passionate about God things instead of empty world things" That really hit me...hard! And then this week with Daron talking about surrendering our All to Christ. And I know I don't. I could make you a list of things that I hold onto with a kung fu grip. I'm so tore up inside because I want this burning fire of a relationship with God and I always seem to fall off right when I think I'm doing well. And i'm sure Satan contributes to it because he knows what tears me apart and he uses that against me pretty dang well. I want to know God intimately, like Job did, like Moses, like the apostles had with Jesus. IT FREAKIN KILLS ME INSIDE BECAUSE SOMEDAYS I WANT TO SCREAM, all I want is to be is right with God, to be in his will.

I want to surrender everything, I want to be passionate about God things. I want to feel God's love around me and pouring out of me.

and now I'm completely wore out from this