Adventures with God

A long awaited update

2007-06-30T19:51:00.000-05:00

Hello all of you who still actually check this blog. It has been quite a while since I have posted on this thing. I'm actually going to create a separate blog for the time I am in Australia. I will try to keep it update better than this one. Probably a couple posts a month about what has been happening in my life, stories about what God is doing and my life in Australia. I am also going to send an email newsletter out and I would even be willing to send a hard copy newsletter to anyone who would like one.

I will be creating the blog in then next week or so, stay tuned to the first post from that one.

Much love,

Jason

sleepwalking and shadows

2007-01-29T02:08:00.000-05:00

I have alot to cover so I'm making a list.

1. For the past i don't know week or so i've been having alot of dreams. 1. I don't dream. 2. when I do I usually remember people or places I've seen. 3. lately I've been having dreams about someone I honestly don't care to dream about.

I'm not angry about it or anything like that its just strange. The heart has mended rather well, I can honestly reflect and say I learned something about myself. However, every once in a while, well hello, how are you and how the heck did you get in here? It is just strange because.....well....why now? I feel like my mind is messing with me.

2. I have for a very long time felt like I stand in the shadow of most of my friends. I'm a person of moderate intelligence, I'm on occasion funny, I'm in my personal opinion not too bad looking, I'm generally nice and when I take down my guards i'm actually sensitive and compassionate. Lately, I've felt for the most part pretty insignificant. I feel like most of the cool/interesting/good things I do go completely unnoticed and even that as a person I am easily forgettable. I have to fight for people's attention. I hate being loud! I realize that I have a loud voice but,honestly I'm loud because apparently at some point growing up I realized being loud got someone's attention. I mean it is nice when people pay attention to you, most normal people like it. I guess I'm just frustrated because the people I wish paid me a little attention for the most part aren't. I don't know how to feel about all this really. I just want to be noticed, for me, for my value and contributions , for my thoughts and ideas and for the soft heart that I actually have. I've vented now I'm done.

3. I was asked to lead a small group (I guess I was noticed a little, believe me I'm thankful) I'm not sure what book I would like to do. I'm kinda of tossing up between Wild at Heart, Velvet Elvis which I would have to read by thursday, or a couple of other books. I wanted to do Captivating and Wild at Heart in a joint Guy/Girl group, I figured I would be interesting, but I just don't know!

4. Helped edit a video that is going to shown at ALIVE next sunday. Heath and I worked hard on it for three days and I am proud of it.

It's 3:00 and I'm exhausted and I need to get some sleep. I'll leave you with this. Sleepwalking by Blindside

Sleep this time tonight
Sleepwalk in the light
Sleep this time tonight (one day we'll)
Sleepwalk out of sight

One day this world will see me at the horizon
One day from a distant light
And just before I stand to face my love
I'll turn around
And with a smile I'll say my goodbyes
Just one last goodbye
Goodbye...

transformation

2007-01-02T02:28:00.000-05:00

I've had a strange feeling since graduation. This sense of completion, the sense that something is now officially over. I went to see a movie this evening and I used my college ID to get a student discount, might as well us it why I still can right? I've been reading Through Painted Deserts for the last week or so. I have enjoyed it and will probably go through one of his other books again before January comes to an end. This last month or so has been an interesting and thought provoking time for me.

Right before school let out several people including myself decided to catch this amazing meteor shower. I beat everyone out to the intramural field and walked around in the dark alone. Only a few days before graduation, I wandered around and stared at the sky. I felt completely alone and stood in awe as it seemed like I was being sucked into the vastness of the universe and all of God's splendor. I realize that moments like those are when I find myself truly at peace and in communion with God. When I am enjoying his splendor. I couldn't help but feeling infinitely small compared to the rest of his creation, a mere speck of sand on the beach of the universe. It was a humbling moment that was quickly washed away by sound of friends coming out to see God's grand firework display.

This past week being home and missing friends I decided to call up people I hadn't talked to in a while. I finally got in touch with my friend Jennifer, who over the last two years have had sporadic contact with. We used to be close, she was one, if not my only female confidant for a couple years. She went through a wild phase for a while which I caught the beginning of and am glad to know came to an end several months ago.

It was great catching up with her. We met last week, she met a few of my SWU friends that I was also hanging out with. We went to eat and had a great time. Over the last week we've spent a good deal of time together. She is going through a rough time with her ex-boyfriend and I am just bored. We were going to see Deja Vu but decided to rent a few movies instead. The Last Kiss was terrible and we never watched the Descent. I refused to watch it and she accused me of being a pansy. I took her Blue Like Jazz which she is currently reading and loving.

We celebrated New Year's Eve in my car driving across Greensboro in pursuit of a copy of The Shining. I told her we needed to watch it because it was one of the best horror movies of all time and because I needed to redeem myself from pansy status. I rented it, but half way through the copy was scratched and we went out trying to find one to buy. Two Walmarts, a Super Target, most of Greensboro and two mid-high way U turns later we still had no copy of The Shining, she was pouting about it (In a funny way), her ex was being a jerk texting and calling every 10 minutes and we missed the blasted ball dropping. To say the very least it was alot of fun.

We got the chance to talk about alot of different things on our expedition. We talked about love, God, prayer, life, change, and we concluded the evening with cookies and shooting each other with my air soft pistol. Its kinda strange how you being to realize how much you really missed someone after you hang out with them for the first time in a while. She has changed a great deal since last we really hung out. She's way more mature than she ever used to be, she's grounded and she's serious about her relationship with God. It was strange for me the first night because I was expecting one person, but gradually noticed someone completely different. All that to say this; as I spent time with my friend Jennifer my eyes began to open I could see that God was at work and doing amazing transformational things in her life and that He really will bust out in a person who has a willing heart. We may seem like a speck of dust, but God is focused and tuned into to each and everyone of us. To know where she was and what she's gone through and to have gotten to know her now has been amazing. Kinda like watching the Caterpillar change into the Butterfly.

This is what makes life interesting to me. This is what makes life worth living. This is what proves to me that God is real. To know that God made the stars and he made us and that to him we are far more important. To know that the Holy Spirit is moving, even if I don't see it all the time, to see the end result of his presense. To see people that I care about become all that God has designed them to be.

This whole encounter proved to me that God really is in control and really is doing things, I may not always see them, but He is indeed there.

Change

2006-12-11T00:47:00.000-05:00

hmm....two posts in one day....something is going on.

Well here it is...

Got an email from Stan in Australia, He instructed me to get in contact with Global Partners to work out my visa stuff and to find out what I need to do. He also gave me a list of things he would like me to help with if I come. So ...yeah....If God provides the funds, and the doors continue to open like they are....I'm going to Australia.

It is kinda sad...I'm graduating and I'm moving on with life. I don't really want to...I like confortable things....I don't like change too much. But this is what must and is going to happen.

I'm a little frustrated about myself personally. I realize I'm a really hard person to get to know. I sat down the other night and was having a conversation and the person who I've spoken to maybe once or twice said to me.

"You know, I knew guys like you in high school, crazy and wild....and always cool. But you're different, your crazy but you're intelligent, you have opinions and deep interests and care about things. I would have never imagined you this way, you are one of the most interesting people I've ever met at SWU."

I took it as a compliment...but it stung too. I'm probably one of the dorkiest people on earth but I don't want to come across that way. And I certainly don't want to come across as sensitive, even though thats probably one of my better qualities. And I don't want to come across as intelligent because....honestly....being intelligent ...ticks people off sometimes....nobody likes a smarty pants. So, I have within me a wierd duality at work. I want so desperately to combine the two and not have to play one and hide the other, it just gets frustrating. I hate people not getting me...I'm like a freaking iceberg....and I hate the fact that 90% of who I am is never seen. So this what I need God to help me change.....because this is something that needs to be changed.

I don't know why all this stuff is happening now....probably because I'm entering a wierd place and feelings and emotions are coming to the surface. I'm excited about graduation and I'm excited about life and where God is taking me.

So this song is amazingly beautiful and I guess sums up alot of feelings for me.....Kite by U2

stumbling blocks....

2006-12-10T12:17:00.000-05:00

I missed church this morning....but I have done some thinking. I was talking to my friend Andy last night and I realized I placed a stumbling block in front of him. I at times do not feel a terrible conviction about recreational cursing. Among friends who curse or in humourous situations, or privately I sometimes curse. I have felt convicted about it from time to time. I realize it does not advance the kingdom any and probably causes people to look at me twice sometimes. So why do I do it? Well, It probably happened that another Christian that I looked up to started to curse and it was funny so I thought it was funny and so I did it too.

We have more influence than we really think sometimes. So I was thinking about all of this and I've found a few scriptures that speak to this issue.

Matthew 18:6, Mark 9:42 and Luke 17:2. I'm going to quote the Luke passage.

Jesus said to his disciples:

"Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin. So watch yourselves.....

In 1st Corinthians 8, Paul writes:

So then, about eating food sacrificed to idols: We know that an idol is nothing at all in the world and that there is no God but one. For even if there are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as indeed there are many "gods" and many "lords"), yet for us there is but one God, the Father, from whom all things came and for whom we live; and there is but one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things came and through whom we live.

But not everyone knows this. Some people are still so accustomed to idols that when they eat such food they think of it as having been sacrificed to an idol, and since their conscience is weak, it is defiled. But food does not bring us near to God; we are no worse if we do not eat, and no better if we do.

Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. For if anyone with a weak conscience sees you who have this knowledge eating in an idol's temple, won't he be emboldened to eat what has been sacrificed to idols? So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall.

WHOA...Paul dropped the hammer in that passage.

Okay, to the point. We have enough trouble trying to live out a life pleasing to God without other Christian's doing things that confuse ones who aren't too sure about things or people like me that have a great deal of respect for people and when I see someone I respect do something, may be influenced by that. I don't think we are all weak, but I fully believe in peer influence and the influence of character on other people. If you saw someone you cared about and respected do something, that was not necessarily bad, but was in that gray question area, would you not feel more open to doing it? I think we are influenced by people more than we like to think or admit.

My conclusion is that if something causes another brother or sister to fall or stumble then you better knock it off. I don't care if its drinking, smoking, cussing, gossip, the list could go on and on but the point is the same.....if you choose to do something and through your choice cause someone to stumble or even waver in their convictions about something you have sinned by placing a stumbling block in their life.

There are some things I cannot knowingly do now because they can cause someone else to stumble and if I did do them then I would be willing sinning against God.

I'm honestly just tired of cheap grace and hollow holiness.

Am I wrong? I think I've formed an valid arguement here, If I need to elaborate I will.....but If you disagree with me lets discuss it.

One...

2006-12-09T02:54:00.000-05:00

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame
You say
One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
carry each other
hurry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you've got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...
One...

--U2 --One

What a beautiful song....

every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end

2006-12-05T01:10:00.000-05:00

So here I am....in the twilight of my college career. Who knew that four and a half years ago I'd actually be this close to being finished. It is a strange feeling to know that I've accomplished something. I think back on all the people i've known, all the friends I have, all the crazy things I've done and I can't help but smile. It's been fun, I've had my rough moments, my sad moments, my moments where I throw stuff in frustration....but here I am....almost done.

I have one assignment to finish by wednesday and I'm done. Its great. I have things lined up to do after school. For the first time in my life I feel like I have some of my act together. I'm waiting on an email from Stan, I sent him another one on Saturday about stuff so we'll see what he says.

Random thought: Rob Bell and his Nooma dvds are amazing....if anyone wants to throw a graduation gift my way....there are 14 of them....mucho gracias.

So yeah....this is an end of something....doesn't feel that different from anything else.

Man I wanted to write other stuff...but I'm too much of a pansy to say whats really on my mind....GRRR..I'm going to bed....if I bite my tongue any harder I might bite it off.

Australia....

2006-11-27T18:01:00.000-05:00

Dear Jason,

I trust this finds you doing well.

I have not heard back from our Superintendents. However I have been wondering about the possibility of your coming to help me with my small local church. Because the Australian church has limited resources I pastor a local church as well as holding the office of National Superintendent. The national role seems to have increased and next year will have many additional things that I will be required to give attention to. In the mean time we have lost some key leaders from this small church … some have moved from the area and others have been promoted to glory.

It would be an great encouragement to have someone come and help us here.

I have to be honest with you. There may be many things about this church that may not seem very attractive to a young person. We do not have our own building. Average attendance is about 45. There are not very many young people or children. We don’t have much in the way of music.

However …. There is a great tone amongst the people and I am confident you would be loved. Caboolture is just north of Brisbane, the capital of Queensland. There are new houses being built everywhere. There are young people who need to be reached with the Gospel.

Apart from that this is an enjoyable place to live. It is 45 minutes by train to the centre of the city and about 45 minutes north to great beaches with surf!!

Well Jason this is perhaps enough for now. I will be interested to hear if this is of interest to you.

In the bonds of grace,

Stan.

I don't really now how to feel about all of this right now, I've had all day to sit on this and think about it. I'm excited but scared, nervous and a mix of other feelings. It was a dream of mine to one day go to Australia, but to go and preach and do what I really want to be doing. This is crazy. I wanted to do something exciting and adventurous after college and this pretty much takes the cake.

Prayer would be most appreciated right now as I think all of this over and see what God wants me to do.

honesty

2006-11-22T00:41:00.000-05:00

No one reads this thing anymore so I really don't know why I am sitting here writing stuff and backspacing it all out.

I've been struggling with a couple things lately.

1. Figuring out what to do after school. I do have a few ideas and I'm waiting to hear from Stan Baker about opportunities in Australia.
2. I feel like my heart is hardening and I don't like it
3. I feel distant from God and it hurts
4. I feel really distant from alot of my friends
5. I hurt for some people and it hurts
6. I have moments where nothing makes sense
7. I miss old friends and it hurts

Honestly, in the last few weeks I've been completely swamped and overwhelmed. I've been depressed and distant. Had someone tell me the other day I was intimidating, I laughed and actually said "are you serious?"

I don't know whats wrong with me. There are some days where I just want to pack it all up into a suitcase and walk away from everything, just disappear. It is stupid and I would never honestly do it, but there are some days when I wonder what it would be like to start everything over, and I guess in a few months I'm going to know how that feels. I'm going to be leaving the comfort of school and familiar surroundings. Here I have people who look up to me, I have people who laugh at my stupid jokes and think I'm funny, I have people who help me grow and encourage me. I guess I'm just not looking forward to post graduation.

sigh...I need encouragement pretty bad

Anyway I leave you with a awesome song by Spoken, it is a remake of Cyndi Lauper's Time after Time

Lying in my bed, I hear the clock tick and think of you
Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new
Flashback, warm nights...almost left behind
Suitcase of memories...time after
Sometimes you picture me, I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said
Then you say, "Go slow", I fall behind
The second hand unwinds...
If you're lost, you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting
Time after time
After my picture fades and darkness has turned to gray
Watching through windows, You're wondering If I'm ok
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time...

winds of change...

2006-11-07T01:25:00.000-05:00

I have only 40 or less days left in my undergraduate college life and I am deeply saddened. At times I think I've even sabotaged this semester in a effort to be here longer...I really don't think I did major damage but I didn't put out a lot of effort.

I'm sad this is about over, but I am really excited about what is ahead. I'm sending out an email to the National Superintendent of Australia for the Wesleyan Methodist church there. I spoke with Chuck and he said they could use head pastors and assistant pastors in several places and that it would be real good to email the guy and see if he could use me and explain to him a little about myself. I'm really stoked because Charles said they have a huge young adult population that I would probably blend well with. I have to say I'm just excited in general because no matter how this pans out I am going to find (if God opens the doors) a place to work and get ministry experience.

we had a John Ott come to our evangelism class last week and I really enjoyed his lecture. He started the last part of his lecture with a question about Moses. He asked when Moses got his command to go out and minister, and everyone of course answered the burning bush. He then asked a question that had to do with his point. He asked when Moses found his Holy Discontent, I knew instantly that he was talking about when Moses murdered the Egyptian, this was when Moses had enough. John said we have to find our Holy Discontent, we have to be fed up with the way things are and be determined and have the heart to do something about it. He said once we know what it is to grab hold and run with it and never let go. Well I know exactly what mine is and I've known for a while, I've just felt intimidated or ill equipped to do something but I feel like I'm being made ready and I'm excited about it. I'm excited about what God has planned for my future.

All the love I've met
I have no regrets
If it all ends now, I'm set

Will we make a mark this time?
Will we always say we tried?

anyway I'm going to sleep, I need to get to chapel in the morning and then I've gotta drive home.

P.S. Thank you GlaxoSmithKline

no man is an island...

2006-10-29T15:56:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to feel the weight of growing up and graduating. Everyone is asking what I plan on doing after I graduate so here is what I've got in mind.

1. I'm for sure staying around through the next semester. A ton of people want me to stay and I'm trying (keyword: trying) to be a good influence on a couple people. I hope to use next semester to transition myself into either further studies or something else.

2. It was mentioned to me to consider teaching conversational English in South Korea. It is an interesting proposition and I've considered it heavily. I don't really know if I want to spend an entire year away from everyone, but it is an interesting propostion. Plus, there is the whole North Korea testing nukes thing and crazy stuff like that, I really have no desire to set off an airplane into a shooting match.

3. I've considered taking the next semester and working like crazy and saving up some cash, traveling to either Europe or Australia (Chuck, need someone to help with your Church?)and finding a flat, a job and living over seas for a bit. This one probably interests me the most because I honestly just want to see some of the world.

4. Seminary. It would be nice, I think I would like to attend seminary and I know I could do the work. I already have huge college debt and I honestly want to take a break.

5. Church positions are also an option, I've been told about several that could use someone like me so that was good news too.

Now to the title of this blog...

It was said the other day in a sermon that you keep God at the same place you keep everyone else in your life. For the most part I keep people at arms length, its a defense mechanism. I have a select few people that I actually let close and develop intimate close friendships with, I could probably count them on two hands. Some people like lots of friends and a few close ones. I have an inner circle, there is nothing wrong with that. I have alot of friends but few are in the inner circle. I realize I really don't trust alot of people and in doing so I treat them a certain way, sometimes I'm suspect of their actions and at times critical. I really do care and deeply desire for people to realize that I am much, much more than that. I really do deeply care about people and there is something that is alot deeper about me I just don't show it that much. I really do have a big heart but it gets hidden behind my defensive wall. I'm kinda like Sawyer from Lost, such a rugged, rude/mean character at times at other times a nice, He's actually a decent human being/character. I need to stop playing/relying on the tough guy image when in all reality I'm really not that way, I just act that way to keep people from messing with me.

Probably my biggest fear is to be hurt or taken advantage of, as humans our first instinct is to avoid pain before experiencing pleasure or anything good, I'm finding this to be completely true. I realize I'm not open, I don't share with people like I want to, I don't treat people like I really care and I'm tired of that. I said something to a friend of mine last week "There is much more to me than that, you just don't even know." and her response was "I don't know because you've never bothered to show me". That stuck with me, people know what they see, a bad conclusion on their part maybe or bad communication of fact on my part. I'm tired of "faking it" for self preservation. I've realized we are all going to get hurt, so turn the other cheek and get over it. And turn it again to be hit again, and hit again, and again. Defend yourself when appropriate because we can't let people walk all over us but have a heart of meekness, show Christ's love by being real, don't worry about being hurt so much.

I guess the lession I need to learn is, I need to take bigger risks, to put myself out there more, be more open with people, show my true heart and realize God is there to catch me when it doesn't go like I plan. I need to realize that not everyone is going to let me down or disappoint me and to not let each failure or disappointment carry over into every other thing I do.

Life is going great for the most part, I just sense I need to grow up in some areas and this would be one of them. You can't ever build relationships without trust and I just need to trust and let go of old hurts and old feelings and trust God to help me and guide me in this area of my life.

my heartstrings come undone...

2006-10-24T00:43:00.000-05:00

I got off work like 45 minutes ago, I slept a total of probably 4 hours last night but I'm not ready to sleep, go figure. I was going to write tomorrow night but decided not to. anyway a brief update.

My senior chapel went very well. I was prepared in advance, I worked on preaching with out an outline or manuscript (to eliminate my dependence on it) and it worked. I knew I knew the material and scripture so I just talked from my heart. I walked back stage after I'd finished and did a little celebrative fist pump and sat down. I was excited/sad/thrilled it was all over. Afterwards, the usual you've done a good job followed but several stuck out. Cody and Hank told me I did a great job and pointed out a couple of things which was very helpful (I misspoke a word and put my hands in my pocket at one point) Other than that they enjoyed it and said I really communicated my point well. Dr. Wood winked at me and then got up and hugged me, Dr Fipps found me leaving the cafe and shook my hand telling me I had done well. Hank later told me Dr. Fipps used my sermon and what I had talked to him about the previous day about (being crazy nervous and preparing and practicing) as illustration for a point he was making and told the class I had done a great job, massively flattering to say the least. A number of freshmen actually came up and said they were terribly disappointed that they had to go to freshmen chapel.

Overall, I am happy about it, I felt comfortable probably the most comfortable I've ever been in the pulpit, I actually wasn't scared. The praise was nice, I'm finding it hard to accept it, its great and all but I know I don't deserve it and its not mine so i'm kinda like....what do I do with this.

I'm finding I'm sad thats all this is about to come to an end. I've got several freshman and sophomores that I think kind of look up to me and respect me. Many have asked If i'm going to be around in the spring. I've decided pretty much I'm going to stay here through next spring and then decide what is next.

I've considered several things but right now I really want to travel overseas, so i'm going to see what develops there.

I'm meeting alot of new and cool people from all over the place which is really cool. I like new friends.

anyway I'm wiped and I volunteered to help and work in the morning at 9....I need sleep.

a parting note check out Demon Hunter's accoustic set of My Heartstrings Come Undone on their myspace page and an Undying crazy techno remix on their purevolume.

Tearing through these days I find the tolerance to strive and push on
I know what lies beyond this life for me is already won
No one can take away the blood that covers over my fall
Without the blood of perfect life I know I’m nothing at all
So now I reign forever hallowed in eternity’s hand
No man can shake me from the everlasting ground that I stand

When this season ends…

One final heart-break
And blinding lights will guide our way
Free us our blind state
They will call us by our name
Undying

We are the ones who will still remain when all is laid to waste
We are the ones who, when angels cry, will see them face to face
We are the ones

nervous nellies...

2006-10-19T00:22:00.001-05:00

in less than 10 hours I will be preaching in chapel. I feel like throwing up, I am intensely nervous. I know I won't be able to sleep. Cody, Cliffton and myself won trivia night tonight. I was hoping that would psyche me up, it didn't. I'm listening to Emery right now to kinda of rev the engine before morning.

I'm just like crazy stressed.....i'm going to totally crash tomorrow afternoon, its going to be nasty.

anyway, i've been angry lately. I think i've written that once before. I just can't get past somethings and I desperately want to. There is no dang sense things should linger around this long. I've done all I can to just be normal and for some reason can't. I've done everything I could possibly think to bury this thing, I've gone to people who didn't have a clue I ever had a problem with them and asked forgiveness and confessed to them, I've gotten rid of everything I was holding onto. So I just don't freaking get it. I'm writing this because I'm frustrated and tired and this is my blog and I honestly want to vent this out. Tom talked about anger on sunday and it really hit home so i'm processing that. I just feel hurt I guess, I realize I don't know alot of things, I don't like feeling hurt because I'm vunerable and I don't like feeling vunerable. sigh....this is stupid....I really didn't want to write about this but I've been holding it a while and I had to let it out...sigh....

this has been lingering around for a little bit now, just hid it or tryed to ....but I think most people could tell something was the matter...I don't hide things well.

anyway good night....chapel in the morning at 10:50...pray I don't flip out ;)

black hole sun...

2006-10-17T00:18:00.000-05:00

I just got off work and I can't sleep. I'm somewhat stressed about my senior chapel on thursday. My sermon is written I'm basically just tinkering with it now. I'm really excited, but I'm nervous I won't do a good job, I mean everyone will be there. I'm hungry but don't want to eat, sad and not sure why. Its raining in buckets and it depresses me, its getting dark early now and I hate it. In my head the day ends when the sun goes down, so this is starting to stink. I always get weird right around the change from summer to fall and fall to winter.

I've been pretty consistant with working out lately. I'm glad to see some results, my arms are definately getting bigger. One of my goals was to have my arms fill out my shirt sleeves. Well i'm getting there. I never thought I'd actually say I kind of enjoy going to the gym.

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks too, I'm kinda looking forward to that. I'm going to try to do something exciting but alas no rock shows i really want to see are coming around this area.

Nobody ever reads mine and Brady's movie blog....or at least they don't comment on it. It's really kind of frustrating, I put alot of time in it and do it to help people decide on good movies. It's Cinemastandard.blogspot.com, check it out and post a comment I appreciate it.

Sigh it's like 1:30 and I don't want to sleep, but I need to. I'm just sitting here listening to some music (Breaking Benjamin's new cd is awesome, and 30 seconds to Mars is pretty good too) and watching movie trailers. I don't have classes or anything tomorrow but I do want to get alot of things done.

Anyway, I'm going to end this here. Pray for me, I can sense the darkness creeping in and I don't want it to. Take care everyone.

worth

2006-10-03T23:13:00.000-05:00

wow two posts in one day.....crazy.

Anyway, I've delayed writing about this for a while but it came up again and I discussed it with some people and so I'm writing about it. (Catches breath).

I recently picked up my copy of Searching for God knows What by Don Miller and I read through the chapter titled Adam, Eve and the Alien.In that chapter Don states from the alien's point of view that

they [Humans] are an entirely beautiful people with a terrible problem.

The problem that he is refering to is that we, human beings judge ourselves, compare ourselves, and try to derive our worth from unfulfilling places. In other words....not God. Spending time with his friend the space alien, Don watches basketball and the alien asks why we play. Don's simple response is to determine the better team and the alien doesn't understand why. Feeling a little put off by the alien, Don turns the channel and stops by the shows that are all competition or comparison. Survivor, The Bachelor, Fear Factor or any of the plethora of shows with similar content. The alien picking up on the fact that competition and comparison dominates our world says

you are obsessed. You have to wear a certain kind of clothes, drive a certain car, speak a certain way, live in a certain neighborhood, whatever, all of it so you can be higher on an invisible hierarchy. It's an obsession! You are trying to feel right by comparing yourself to others. It is ridiculous. Who told you there was anything wrong with you in the first place? Don't you know that a human is just a human.

We have missed something and we have missed something big. We have missed the fact that we are the Imago Dei, we are made in the image of God. Our self worth should come from God, period, end of story. But let one person tell you your ugly, or cut you down about something that you are good at and that goes quickly out the window. What happens when we base our self worth on our ablity to play a sport, what other people think of us, our looks, our intellence or any number of things that cause us to be noticed? What happens when you break your throwing arm or tear your ACL? What happens when you find out that someone is actually smarter than you? What happens when the places you run to for worth stop validating you? Your world slowly crumbles and your left wondering what just happened?

this breaks my heart because this is a disease that afflicts many people, it is killing them and they don't even know it. I know so many beautiful, amazing, intelligent, talented, and unique people. And yet so many miss it, sin has twisted this world and God's goodness and turned it back on his people as a weapon against them. In high school I tryed so hard to be perfect, to be the smartest guy in the class, to be different and you know what....I wasn't happy. It wasn't until I realized and accepted that God loves me and that I am amazing, beautiful and desired by him that I could recover from this un-fulfilling disease. It has taken me a long while to realize and address this issue with myself and I think I understand it. One last thing....

You know in the beginning God created everything and said it was good, you think about that....because that includes you and me.

times like these...

2006-10-03T14:10:00.000-05:00

things are going pretty decently for me...

to update whats been going on in my life

1. Got a job working at the coffee shop on campus (wierd i know, me in a coffee shop but its really fun. Skinny Decaf Latte coming up)
2. Living with Brady in our apt is nice, cooking our own meals is nice.
3. Got paid today!
4. My senior chapel is coming up on Oct 19 and I'm excited. I've got a sermon brewing, it might be pretty bold but I think it will be good for campus and the revival thats going on here now.
5. hmm....Lost starts tomorrow!
6. In the last month and a half I have been part of teams that have won 150 bucks playing trivia. 2 of those times it was with Brady......how do you think we buy groceries?

anyway, thats about it.

oh remember me in your prayers.....that would be great

Yahweh

2006-09-10T13:20:00.000-05:00

Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break
--U2

blessings

2006-09-04T20:19:00.000-05:00

well its been a long while since i've updated.

Schools back in session and things are going really well. God has blessed my socks off by working out all of my conflicts and money issues.

since last sunday life has been going really really well. Went hiking with Brady, Andrew and Abram. Hiked 2 miles up on Lake Keeowee to cliffs for some cliff jumping. The cliff was 25+ feet because the lake was down. It was aweseome and we got some good video and pictures of us jumping. To top that off Abram convinced his dad and brother Austin to come pick us up in their boat. It was great we didn't have to hike back out because it was brutal. Dr Rampy and Austin came and we got to do some tubing and i attempted wake boarding.....i will get it eventually. Brady got a bloody nose when Abram threw me and him off. And needless to say Abram had a vindetta against Austin for something he'd done so he found it amusing to try to kill us. He slung us around so hard on that tube, we hung on but when he finally managed to throw us off. We flew off so hard Austin lost his shorts and i skipped across the water like a stone....and then lost mine. it was great fun. we finished the day with the sun setting over the water as we sped across the lake it was amazing.

this week has been really boosting in so many ways. Talked to Dr. Black about spiritual issues and my walk with Christ and some things I've started to feel on my heart (what I want to do after school). Talked to Dr. Fipps too, we spent probably 2 hours talking about school, church and the things that have been on my heart. I recieved possibly the greatest compliment i've recieved in my time here at SWU from Dr. Fipps. He looked at me from across his desk and said "Jason, you have arrived as a senior Christian Ministry major, and i'm thrilled to see this happening in your life, it reminds me of another student I taught" He was refering to Josh Leroy someone I really respect and look up to as a person and minister. So all in all this past week was great.

Something really kind dorky but none the less cool. The school has started a trivia night on wednesday nights with a cash prize of 50 bucks. Needless to say my group (me, Ryan Williams, Ben Garrison and Austin Smith) won the first one !!!! heck yeah we dogged it and to top that I called it when we were sitting in the apartment. I think my exact words were "they don't stand a chance". Anyway Thursday nights is trivia night at Rockhoppers in Clemson. Feeling confident I was convinced we could win at Rockhoppers too. Me, Brady and a few other people went and guess what !!! LOL We won that junk too against an entire restaurant of people. Two nights in a row with a grand total of 100 bucks. Thats what I call good work for a few hours of my time. Anyway it was really cool and I had alot of fun.

Oh and to top it all off I got up on Saturday and was walking out the front door and Heath called me and said he had an extra ticket to the Clemson football game. Now i'm not a fan of football on TV or really in general but.....i'm not about to turn down free tickets to see a sporting event. So we went with several people from Central First and Alive. It was another really great day.

Things are going well.

the adventure

2006-07-23T19:30:00.000-05:00

this song is amazing and so is this band.....check out Angels and Airwaves

I wanna have the same last dream again,
the one where I wake up and I'm alive.
Just as the four walls close me within,
my eyes are opened up with pure sunlight.
I'm the first to know,
my dearest friends,
even if your hope has burned with time,
anything that's dead shall be re-grown,
and your vicious pain, your warning sign,
you will be fine.

Hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.

Any type of love - it will be shown,
like every single tree reach for the sky.
If you're gonna fall,
I'll let you know,
that I will pick you up
like you for I,
I felt this thing,
I can't replace.
Where everyone was working for this goal.
Where all the children left without a trace,
only to come back, as pure as gold,
To recite this all.

Hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.
Tonight,
hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.
Tonight,
hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.

I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me

Hey, oh, here I am (do this with me),
and here we go, life's waiting to begin (do this with me).
Hey, oh, here I am (do this with me).
And here we go, life's waiting to begin,
life's waiting to begin

I love you Looy I miss you and I'm blessed to know you love me!

going ons

2006-07-07T17:24:00.000-05:00

I know its been a while since my last post so here is a little update.

Looy and I have been dating for over 2 months now :), she is an amazing women and I love her dearly. I miss her alot, it really is hard to be away from someone you love and enjoy being around. She is coming to see me next Friday and i'm about to jump thru the ceiling to see her. I get to spend 3 whole days with her!! Her job is going well in Asheville. She loves the kids and has a real heart for them and for her co-workers. She works the overnight shift so she goes to work at 11ish and doesn't get off til like 9 or 10ish in the morning. I know God is going to really use her in amazing ways in both the lives of those children but also in the lives of her co-workers.

I learned how to surf. A work camper here by the name of Steve is a veteran surfer and was starting to teach several of us to surf. After several days of unsuccessful attempts to stand up on the board and ride a wave I finally rode one. It was really exillerating to stand up on the board and ride a wave in. Steve said I really impressed him because of how much I really wanted to surf and just grabbed a board and would go out whenever I got the chance. I haven't surfed alot lately because of the this insane holiday week. Lol I guess I can wear Quicksilver and Volcom shirts now without being a complete poser ;).

I've discovered several new bands that I really like. Angels and Airwaves is Tom Delonge of Blink 182 new band. Really good, reminds me alot of what the boys from Five Iron Frenzy did with Brave Saint Saturn. Kinda dark stuff, life and death stuff, really gets into some things and its really good. I actually kinda like it better than Blink.

The Classic Crime. Oh my what a great band. Signed to Tooth and Nail and they are amazing. Not really screamo but they do scream in the right places. Lyrics are amazing.

God is doing some really cool stuff out here. Steve the guy that was teaching us to surf is not a Christian. But he talks to us about issues and things and its apparent that the Lord is working on him. I can tell that God is really working in the life of another work camper too. Her name is Jennifer and her and her husband Jim clean bathhouses with us. I think that they are familiar with God and know who He is but have strayed a little in life. I can really tell God is working on their hearts. It is really amazing to see God work in the lives of other people.

Brady and I started a new blog. We have decided to rate movies for fun. We figure between the two of us we can give people a good perspective on a movie and then let them figure the rest out. The site is Cinemastandard.blogspot.com. He's already posted a review so I guess I better crank one out some time. I'm having a hard time trying to pick my first movie to rate. LOL maybe I'll review the Shawshank Redemption and steal it away from Brady.

anyway the sun is about to set and I really want to go out to the pier and read and have some alone time with God....

more later :)

I've gone to see about a girl

2006-06-10T19:39:00.000-05:00

Took me long enough to make this post ;)

For little over a week I planned to surprise Looy by going to visit her in Augusta and help her move to Asheville. So in an effort to surprise her I worked it out to go down to Augusta on Tuesday night to surprise her and help her move to Asheville on friday. It was great, she had no clue and I completely surprised her. Considering she thinks I'm terrible at keeping secrets from her for once I think I did well ;). Her re-action was so funny, with a huge smile on her face she just kept punching and then hugging me.

We spent a few days together and it was really great. I missed her and it was good to spend time with her.

Friday before I left Asheville I had decided I wanted to tell her I loved her. Those are words no one should ever take back and it was something I had been thinking and praying about a great deal. I wanted to tell her some place special. We both like the outdoors, especially the mountains. So I took her up on the parkway and told her. It was hard for me because it really meant something. I cryed a little and finally got it out. We hugged for a while and I said it a couple more times which made her laugh. She didn't say it back because she is still taking her time to realize if she loves me too. Which is completely ok because I would much rather us both be sure than it be rushed.

I love Looy because of everything she and everything she is becoming. She is already this incredible woman that I see growing more and more in the Lord everyday and that is awesome to me. I love everything about her all the things that make her who she is. She is so incredible beautiful in every little way. I love her because she is truly amazing. I liked her from the first day I met her. I thought she was so pretty and she seemed fun, and she has this incredible smile. I got to know her and realized this girl is something else. In the time we have been together I've realized Looy is everything I thought she was and so much more, I care about her more and more each day.

I love Looy because she has gone from a friend that I liked and cared about to my best friend whom I love. I feel completely comfortable with her, we talk about everything. I can be myself around her, I don't ever have to impress her because she hates it when people try to impress her. I love her because of how I feel when I'm around her and how that when she's gone I miss her. I love her because I trust her completely and she trusts me. I love the way her smile captivates me and the way her face lights up when she laughs. I respect and admire her strength during the hard times I've seen her deal with. I love the way she makes me feel respected and cared for. I love how we share little things like musical tastes and like watching movies and hiking but at the same time I appreciate our differences. I love how it feels when I hold her hand and how my heart still skips a beat when she comes in a room. I love how when we kiss I feel like time slows down. I love her because for 2 school years I've liked her and not been able to really show it and now I can and she knows it. I love her for all the little things that few people would ever notice or even think about, like the freakle on her nose or the yellow band around her iris. I love her because the center of her life is God and she knows that I put Him first too.

I love her because I like being with her and don't want to with anyone else. She has my heart. I love her because she is completely special and unique to me. I desire so much for her to know that I love her and am committed to her. And that I desire to cherish and care for her and treat her like a woman should be. She knows I'd do anything for her

“All of this suddenly happened
It was nothing before you go
From being alone and empty
To belonging and being with you
I possess the honest pleasure
Knowing what it means to be loved”
--Kate Earl

I love you Looy. :)

(this is the abridged verson lol)

God and Hwy 12

2006-05-29T21:24:00.000-05:00

I've been in a kinda quiet mood today. Haven't really talked alot. Began the day by cleaning the pools. Got a really great compliment by Bear (yes that is actually his name) about having a couple of good new ideas. Spent most of the time teaching Shane to use the pool vac and pressure washing the deck. Pool cleaning in the mornings kinda my early morning quiet time. I am pretty left alone to work and think. Most mornings my thoughts have a broad range, today they gravitated toward thinking about the Holy Spirit and me more or less having a conversation with God.

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I was ready to speak for chapel, I had a good topic and I was prepared. I was a little nervous. I picked the mic up, moved my chair, dropped the mic, couldn't get it where I wanted it (because I sat in a lawn chair). Anyway once I opened my Bible and started speaking I seriously felt like I was in what I am going to call "the zone". It was a truly strange feeling. There were alot people there, I wasn't expecting as many as was there once I sat down. Normally after I realize that there are alot of people I would have been more nervous. But I wasn't, I felt like the Spirit was with me. Normally when I read scripture in front of people sometimes my eyes skip over words. Yesterday not a single one, I read scripture very slow and fluid. My thoughts just flowed, I covered every point I wanted to make and concluded it well. It was really strange because I felt it went well. Possibly for the first time I felt at home or confortable preaching.

and then I stood up, walked away and all I could feel was like numb. It was like all the blood rushed to my head at once but the feeling lasted for like 30 minutes. I didn't even sing the last song, I really just wanted to be alone. Before the service the only thing I was nervous about was being in front of all those people. So I prayed for God to give me the strength to do it, to send the Holy Spirit to help me.

I've wanted to be alone basically since the end of chapel yesterday. I felt the closeness of God, I had this overwhelming sense that He was right there beside me. Since yesterday my mind has been in like double overdrive. I wanted to process the feeling after chapel but couldn't because I had to work. So since then I've been trying to figure it out and I've come to a conclusion.

What I felt yesterday was very much like Samson, David or other old testament figures when "the Lord was dwelling on them". I can't explain it, don't understand it but all I know is I want to experience that again.

So anyway to the Hwy 12 part. I wanted to be alone tonight. So I took a drive down 12 to Avon. It was great. I just took off about 8, the sun had set but the sky was still well lit. The ocean was on my left the sound to my right. For miles it was just me in my car running down the center of an island with no other traffic. It was beautiful. I started to think about a couple of things, started talking to God about them and all of a sudden I felt like He was there. It was a great feeling.

So I guess all that is to say this. I've felt the immanence of God and to be quiet honest, Its a little crazy/scary/humbling. I just started crying in the car, I'd been thinking about it all day and all of a sudden I could really tell He was there again, not that He hadn't been with me all day just that It was a different feeling.

Anyway I'm rambling and I'm sure it doesn't make any sense what so ever.
Thought i'd share that anyway.

hatteras

2006-05-23T22:37:00.000-05:00

settling in for another summer on the outer banks. its been ok so far, lots of work preparing the camp ground for when its starts getting busy. today was a long day. I began by scrubbing the tiles of the pool for about an hour. followed by holding up a basketball goal post and rim while mike one of the work campers mixed the cement. after that I spent a little time mowing on the toro (my lawn mower of choice) and weed eating (not my most favorite thing to do). Today I decided to wise up and use sunscreen, threw some 45 on and didn't get cooked too much.

its kinda boring right now because we don't have any activities to do and there are like 10 people in the camp ground. we drove up to nags head and got some more groceries.

the stars are out again tonight. It really is beautiful here, got to see the sun set over the sound on the way up to nags head. I have to sit out on the porch to get wireless signal, so its pretty peaceful but kinda cold.

I got a surf board to use this summer. I went over to visit Punky and Larry (campers that have property here, they are good to us) and saw they had a surf board. Larry said I could use it for the summer. Its a really nice Hatteras Glass board.

the good thing about all this time we have in between work is that i'm really taking time to make sure i read my Bible daily. i figure i need to establish my time of reading now that way when it does get busy i'll have that time already designated for only that.

It really is beautiful tonight

I miss you

lol my blog is updated and its getting cold so i'm going inside :)
night

never the same...

2006-04-24T22:19:00.000-05:00

Sunday I started to have this strange feeling, for some reason I just felt something stiring in me. I was pretty tired today, but probably an hour ago I just felt this overwhelm need to spend some time alone in thought with God.

I couldn't figure out what I really wanted to do or what God was wanting of me. I walked in Paul's room and on the top of his DVD pile was the Passion of the Christ. I knew instantly what I was being asked to do. It had been on my mind for a week or so, since SGA chapel when they showed a clip from the Passion. I had to watch the prayer in the garden, the scene before Pilot, the march to the hill called the skull and the crucifixion. Those two scenes have been bugging me like a cold I can't shake.

It's extremely hard to watch the Passion, being I am very emotional about things like this. But I felt God was trying to tell me about something. So I have watched it and like I predicted I completely fell apart. But I think I got God's message.

From the garden to the cross Jesus encountered 5 distinct men. Malchus, the slave of the High Priest, Pilot, Simon of Cyrene and the theif on the cross and the Roman Guard.

Malchus when Jesus healed him just sat there, the guards called him to get up but he couldn't. Malchus had encountered God, he had a dynamic encounter with Jesus that I think changed him.

Pilot when he sees Jesus after the flogging looks stunned. Pilot utters the famous words "Ecco Homo" meaning "Behold the Man". Pilot was stunned, Jesus was almost beaten beyond all recognition. When Pilot said this to the crowd he was actually confirming that this was indeed a man that stood before him. I can only imagine what Pilot felt or was thinking but he didn't want any part of Jesus death.

Simon took up the cross of Jesus. I imagine he thought about that for the rest of his life. I can only imagine how burdened he felt, he had recieved only a small experience of what it was like for Jesus. But I am sure it changed him.

The thief. On the cross he cries out to Jesus to save him and we all know his response.

The Roman Guard says "Truly this man was God's son" Who knows what happened after that but i'm certain he was never the same.

The common thread in this for me is the fact that all encountered Jesus and all experience some kind of change in their life.

I have been differently lately, I finally feel that I have allowed Jesus to take up his rightful place on the throne of my heart. I feel that I have finally gotten to the place when I know He must be #1 in my life and I will not place anything before him. I had a dynamic meeting with God a month ago and I haven't been the same. I wake up in the mornings wondering what is going on. I am different, I feel different, I think different, I act different and it is strange. I feel like I'm walking around in new skin that I'm not used to, but overwhelmed by how liberated I feel.

This scares me because I am no longer in control of my life, I feel like screaming from how different I feel inside. I talk about it and I can't describe it, I try to make sense of it and I can't. All I know is I met God and He changed me. I am convinced 100% that you cannot encounter God and walk away unchanged.

the start of something good

2006-04-20T23:31:00.000-05:00

things are going well for me. I've got alot of work to do but I'll get it all done.

Things are going great for Looy and me. We've been spending the last few weeks getting to know each other deeper as friends. We talk about everything which is kinda crazy but great. We have this really great open communication where if we have a question or thought we just tell each other.

I took her to Twin Falls(waterfalls) on Wednesday and we had a great time. I truly love nature and enjoy God's creation and have always hoped God would put someone in my life who enjoyed it too. We had a great time exploring the waterfall, hiking and just enjoying each others company. We both fell in the water and saw a snake!

Tuesday night we decided to go to her home in Augusta so I could meet her mom, older sister Amanda and her dad. It was a really good time for us. We had dinner with her mom and brother. We had a great conversation and her mom asked me alot of things. Her mom really likes me too which is a big plus. Looy said her sister Amanda was probably going to be the toughest. But strangely enough that went pretty well too. We talked and she asked me how I felt about things and seemed to really like me which was another great plus. Her brother Joshua really likes me which is a really big plus, he said several rather interesting things in regard to my relationship with his sister. It is important to Looy that I have a good relationship/fit in with her family. Meeting most of her family and it going well was a great thing.

Spending time with Looy at her home was a good thing. We talked alot about our soon to be dating relationship which was good. She trusts me completely which is a big thing for her as well as for me because I completely trust her as well. We are comfortable together, we have fun together and we care about one another a great deal. We had a moment on Tuesday night that really allowed me to show her that I really cared for her and that no matter what she means the world to me and that I really want to be with her. We are getting to know each others hearts, struggles, pains, hopes and dreams and it is just incredible. I fall for her more and more each day. Plus we are both pursuing the call God has set on our lives and the great thing about that is, our calls are similar, we both desire to minister and help hurting people.

God has been doing wonderful things in my life in the last few days and month. I experienced a great spiritual change in my life that I know would have to had happened before I could have a strong relationship with God. I feel that as a result of me letting God have what he wanted from me, he placed in my life one of the desires of my heart.

Even with all the work thats due and the stress of the end of the semester I still feel so full of joy and truly blessed.

Peace and Love

comfortable

2006-04-11T13:35:00.000-05:00

yesterday was a great day. Classes went well and it was nice and warm outside.

Spent some time with Looy after she got from SGA. She's reading the book Captivating and has told me I have to read it (she's telling me what to do now lol). We sat in the lobby and talked for a while last night. Several people came into the main lobby so we went downstairs to the lobby beside the washroom.

We sat down there and talked about a bunch of stuff. It was really great, we just talked very openly about alot of things. We talked about our families and found they have several things in common. Talked about growing and how we were both dorks in middle and high school.

I asked her to guess my favorite president. I was thinking to myself there is no way she is going to guess Andrew Jackson. Once again she surprised me by guessing Jackson, I was completely dumbfounded.

We talked about Narnia and Lord of the Rings (One of her favorite movies). While we were talking about LOTR she very quietly and gracefully put her head on my shoulder and slipped her hand under my arm. I was in mid sentence and stopped, I was completely overwhelmed by it. I just sat there in silence and enjoyed the moment.

We talked and just sat there and enjoyed each others company. At one point she said she felt very comfortable with me, that just made me want to hold her closer.

We both still laugh and think its a little crazy. We have been friends for a while now and honestly I didn't anticipate this last week when I told her how I felt.

Its funny because I used to try to hide how I felt about her even though she knew. But now I can write about it, talk to her about it and show it to her.

anyway....
I'm going to take a nap

Peace and Love

something wonderful

2006-04-08T23:51:00.000-05:00

Something truly incredible has happened in my life

I told the girl that I have liked/cared about for almost 2 full school terms that I've had a crush on her since the day we met.

And she likes me too!!!

Her name is Looy, she is amazingly wonderful and I care for her a great deal.

I've been working on a post about this for about 3 days now and its about 10 pages long and I just can't put everything I want to say into words.

Let me put it very simply.

Words cannot describe how great Looy is. Nor can they truly describe how I feel about her. Nor can they descibe how happy it makes me to know she feels the same. I think that will do.

That 10 page post (its long but prob not that long) will probably be up sometime, it is basically the story about everything that has happened.

You really are amazing, you make me so happy, and to know that I make your face hurt from smiling so much makes me feel like I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

You are so special to me

:)

junior/senior

2006-04-02T00:54:00.000-05:00

tonight was the junior/senior semi formal and I had a great time. I wanted to go, decided I didn't want to and then decided I wanted to again. When I finally decided I was going I asked my friend Alston if she would go with me. She was pretty excited when I asked so that was great! I had decided I wanted to go for this Lex Luthor/Smallville look with a black suit and no tie with a purple shirt. So Thursday we went to Easley to pick one out. Had a great time doing that, she liked the first shirt I picked out alot and so did I, so we went with that. Went to her house afterwards for her to try on a couple of dresses. She decided on a black one (she looked really really beautiful). Had some fun hanging out at her house, her niece was there and it was cool to see her interact with the kid.

So on to tonight, it was really really great! I don't really like to get overly excited about going out with a girl, I just don't want to put off a "i'm excited to be around you" vibe, but it was really cool cause she was really excited about it too. So we decided to leave about 5:30 and got to Greenville around 6. We parked around the corner from Coffee Underground and walked to the Hyatt (I wasn't sure where it was, but I knew it was on main street. A funny aside, as we were crossing the street to the Hyatt a couple guys in a *blinged* out car totally about broke thier necks trying to check her out and I started laughing about it and she asked me what was up, so I told her, she blushed and started laughing.

We got inside and picked a table and sat for a bit talking about stuff. My friends Russell and Hank sat with us making for some great conversations and laughs. The food was really good and I ate about half of a salad (a feat for me). The silly videos people made (Theme was Scene It) were really funny. My friend Josh made a Brokeback Mountain spoof needless to say that was not approved for viewing.

Now on to why I think I'm actually writing this post now instead of later. Alston is an incredible girl. I say that about alot of people and they are incredible too, but she is in her own Alston way. She was really excited about going which really put me at easy, I asked her because we are good friends and really hadn't seen each other/hung out in a while. Plus, I knew we would have a great time. I had seen her in her dress on thursday but when we met to leave school, I saw her for the first time all dressed up and I have to say she looked absolutely beautiful. I told her that a couple times tonight too, so she knows, and she doesn't read my blog so I think I'm safe saying it again lol. So anyway dinner was great we talked about alot of stuff, she's not coming back to SWU next year, which I found out the day I asked her to go with me tonight. That made a little sad I must say.

So I was really glad I asked her. Our personalities go well together so we have a great time most anytime we do anything. All night I treated her like a girl I was dating. I know that maybe a little strange considering we are just really good friends but, like I said she got all dressed up came and I think she's great so I treated her like that. It wasn't like I was trying to put on a show or do something I wouldn't normal do anyway. There was one point during the evening the lady filling out water glasses, Alston had been wanting water for a minute or so. So the lady came and was about to fill mine and I turned to her and said "please will you take care of her first (refering to Alston), she was polite and said yes. What the lady said after that got me though. As she was filling Alston's glass she said something to extend of "he's making sure your taken care of isn't he, what a gentleman." I kinda smiled to myself but just stayed quiet.

All night I kept looking at her, I wasn't checking her out, I was actually in awe of her. She has this freckle under her left eye and I call it "king freckle". Well we joked about that a couple times and she thinks its funny when we talk about it. But that too got me thinking about things. I like being around her, we are good friends, and I know that someday when I'm married to whoever my wife is what I'm about to write will apply.

As I was enjoying her company I was thinking. I was thinking this must be kinda what its like to be married. I was completely having a great time, and she was too. We walked around afterwards and I could tell she was getting tired. We went to get ice cream with some people but we sat outside cause it was hot inside. And we talked about things again. We talked her transfering, what she's dealing with and going through right now. And honestly I was perfectly content to sit there and just hang as long as she would have wanted to. I imagine that is what marriage is like. Hanging out with your best friend everyday, caring about them, meeting their needs, loving them. We decided to leave because she was getting tired and her shoes were starting to hurt. I told her I'd carry her back, she laughed and said she was heavy, so of course I joked and said "your not 95 pounds? your kidding me?" Seriously, she weighs nothing and I would have carried her all the way back in a second if she had wanted me too. But she took off her shoes and we strolled though downtown back to the car. The ride home was fun, we listened to Lifehouse and talked some more.

The point of this, I really don't know If I have one. Tonight I got to treat someone like I think she absolutely deserves to be treated and honestly, that made me night more than anything. It was great to just be nice to someone.

And now it's 1:50 and I need some sleep.
If you've made it this far I applaud you and thank you for reading.

Sin and American History X

2006-03-26T00:53:00.000-05:00

so you are probably wondering about the title. Well I've been on duty tonight and that is always boring. I have a paper due on Sin and God's provision of Atonement for Systematic on tuesday, i haven't started it yet. So like usual when I have something due I do something else. So I strolled over and borrowed American History X from my friend Bruce. I really didn't know what to expect, I knew it was violent, I knew it had alot of things I really didn't know if I wanted to watch. But I knew what the story was about and I felt compelled to watch. The story is about Edward Norton's character Derek and his brother Daniel. The main story is about Derek and his journey through life. He becomes a skin head, kills two black men, goes to prison, is befriended by a black man and that changes his life. The story is incredible, one of the best of any movie about the struggle of character. I would place this up with the Shawshank Redemption as far as story goes.

What got me the most about this movie was several things, I going to use a list for this because that seems like the popular thing lately.

These things make this movie:

1. In the scene where he brutally kills the men he is spouting off hate rhetoric and when he is arrested he literally looks happy, honestly he looks like he's so full of hate and evil (an incredible acting job by Norton I must say)
2. When he goes to prison and is befriended by the black gentleman and how that guy basically saves his life is powerful. The black guy didn't pull any punches, he probably knew the guy he was talking to had a swastika across his chest and didn't care, he treated him like a human being. And when Derek leaves prison that encounter changed him.
3. The scene toward the end of the movie where Derek is standing in front of the mirror looking at the swastika tattoo on his chest and he just stares at it and then covers it with his hand. Powerful stuff because you see that he hates it, he hates who he was and you see it in his love and desire to save his brother from following in his footsteps.
4. I wondered why their mom wouldn't ever sleep in her two boys rooms and instead slept on the couch. And I know why, the walls were covered in Nazi propaganda and one big Nazi flag. After Derek goes and basically tells the leader of the skin heads he was done, he tells his brother why he did that. Derek explains to him he was tired of hating that it didn't improve his life and that he didn't want that life for his brother. So after all that they are standing in their room looking at this big Nazi flag, and then they begin to take it all down, picture by picture. The last thing they take down is the flag, and then they just stand there and look at the emptyness.
5. Don't read this if you haven't seen the movie and plan to now. When Daniel is shot at school you see the same look in the guys eyes that kills Daniel as you saw in Derek's when he killed the two guys at the beginning. That scene made me think about something too.

The guy is standing there with blood on his face after he's killed Daniel with no remorse. And here is where sin comes into this discussion.

Alot of this movie was about choice and choices. We are all stuck, we are all fallen creatures. We all choose things and sometimes those choices are bad. Derek mades some horrible choices but realized them and changed his life. But what about the guy who killed his brother, we never see his story. Does he ever change or does he stay in the cycle of hate?

Thats the thing I'm starting to realize about Sin, its nothing but a big circle. And unless something steps in and takes us out of it we just keep going around like laundry in the dryer. So Jesus jams his cross into the circle and pulls us out, but it still our choice to walk away from it and follow him or run back to it and for some reason our tendency is to run back. And I honestly don't get that, to quote Derek "nothing I have done was making my life better...and I just got tired of it....it just made me feel more lost." I feel thats how sin is, for me anyway. When we do something wrong and we don't want to read scripture cause we're going to feel convicted and nobody wants to feel bad. And thats how Sin gets us, not because we actually like it but because we are stuck. We are stuck not wanting to be hurt because we failed and stuck because we don't want to do it again either. I think this is how I know that sin is something that wasn't part of God's plan. Alot of people could say well If not for sin we won't be free to choose God. But honestly if Adam and Eve hadn't had taken the fruit would we have ever really want to know anything else but God? I mean we had to be tricked in the first place. I mean sure we knew about the tree but we hadn't eaten of it. It took the serpent and his trick to get us to take and eat. And I know he knew that this would be the undoing of God's creation.

Sadly it is our undoing, because now we suffer and die. We are stuck in a world where hate is such an evident thing and death happens everyday, movies like this show us what has happened to God's creation since our fall. And honestly I'm not content with this world, I'm not happy with it, it doesn't make sense to me and some where deep down inside of me, I know this isn't how it is supposed to be. I feel that in my gut and it bothers me.

anyway I'm tired and going to bed. That should be enough to read for now
peace

back at it

2006-03-12T23:32:00.000-05:00

Spring Break is over. And now begins the final 7 weeks til the end. One more semester to go and I'm done.... for now.

This weekend has been pretty good. Watched basketball the last two days. Watched the Carolina game at Chaplin Dill's house. That was pretty fun, for the record Carolina losing to BC was garbage.

Last night was pretty boring for me, I didn't want to really hang out with anybody and I didn't want to be alone, I kinda just wanted to go for drive. So I went to walmart and strolled around. Then I got the bright idea to go to Best Buy in Anderson. That was a bad idea because once I got inside those doors I said to myself "you drove all the way here your leaving with something". So I spent about 30 minutes walking the 3 DVD aisles...which by the way...wasn't that great of a selection. I finally decided on the Snatch 2 disk deluxe edition. It came with a deck of cards, a dealer button and the original theatrical release promotional booklet. For 15 bucks I was pleased.

Today I watched the BC/dook game up in Cody's apt. Needless to say I was disappointed, I really wanted to see dook lose. Carolina got a 3 seed which I predicted, very much disputed by Brady.

As a direct result of reading my friend Chuck's blog I decided to read through Hosea. What a great book! I'm not even finished yet but I've always liked the Israel/Gomer parallel story.

On another note I've gotten to the point where I'm sick of not being in-shape. I'm starting the work out plan I actually wanted to start at the BEGINNING of this semester. I went for a run tonight around the entire campus. I hope that I get of bed in the morning and go to the weight room. I know that I'm the kind of person that if I get the ball rolling it have a snowball effect...I hope.

Now a for a little humor. I still haven't named my goldfish, i've had him like 3 weeks and still no name. So Brady was over here yesterday and I told him that. He said I should name all my fish after my favorite famous movie stars. So jokingly I said so this one should be Clint Eastwood. I think it might have stuck, cause I refered to my fish as Clint earlier today. Here is where you come in, I really don't know if I want to name my fish like that so suggest some names, if your lucky your name might even get picked.

well its midnight and I need to get in bed.

laters

break...

2006-03-08T01:16:00.000-05:00

well it has been several weeks since my last post....

sorry to the people that actually read this thing....which is like....4 people lol.

well to start my actually break I went up to Asheville to visit my sister. It was pretty fun, the night I got there I played her boyfriend Brian and his house mate in Scene It. Both have extensive dvd collections, I'm talking maybe 1,000 or more between the two of them. Needless to say I did well and finished second. Brian only beat me by 4 spaces.

Sunday my sister and I visited several pet stores. We hung out and spent most of the day visiting stores and stuff. I found a pair of sandals finally and a couple other cool things.

Monday we got up and hung around the house. We decided to go to Subway for lunch. Brian said he used to eat 2 sub sandwiches in one sitting. Brian is maybe a couple inches taller than me and for sure about 40 pounds less. Needless to say I had to see him eat 2 whole sandwiches.

The girl that took our order was really nice and we struck up a conversation The reason for tellng you that is when she got off work she went out and got in her decked out Eclipse and opened her car which had Lamborgini doors. I was slightly intrigued because several days before I had a conversation with my friend Kevin about them. The doors were really cool and I'd never seen doors like that on a normal car. I wanted to know how she got them on her car, so I went out and asked her. She was really nice and explained how she got them and put them on. I know random, probably completely stupid but I wanted to know.

Monday I picked out an aquarium for my fish and my sister gave me a filter and some other stuff to go with it. We left about 6 and got home pretty late. I really hate driving from the mountains especially at night. The drive from SC is so easy and kinda relaxing.

Today I got up and went over to my pastors house to see if he finished getting my information for my research paper together. We went over to his office and handed me a file about 2 inches thick and told me to have at it. The pastor before him complied an extensive history of my home church. My work should be pretty easy, just going over the information and adding a few details from the other documents I have.

The World Baseball Classic was on TV today. I haven't really watched TV in the last 7 months or so. But baseball in March was cool. The Dominican Republic played Venezuala. I turned over to ESPN to find that USA was playing Mexico. I didn't watch the game but USA beat Mexico 2-0.

Its been a long day. Going to visit my grandmother tomorrow and go to Wednesday night service.

Long blog, enjoy

another pretty good day.

2006-02-17T00:21:00.000-05:00

today (yesterday) was another really good day.

Classes went well today. Greek was really interesting, we went over the homework we had and didn't get past the first question. Dr. Fipps is a stinking incredible teacher, his classes are difficult and he doesn't pull his punches and you know what I like that alot.

Ken Medema was awesome in chapel today, he should be a music producer , he is just amazing!

Frisbee was awesome today! The weather was incredible, so sunny and warm. We had alot of fun, attitudes were great and it was a hard fought win.

Dinner was fun too....found out they put out Golden Grahams. Needless to say when I heard that, I yelled at Cody, he got up and we took off running, RUNNING across the caf for a bowl. We think that before its all over with one day when they have something like Cinnamin Toast Crunch or GG again, we are going to go over, rip the container out of its holder, take it over to the milk, fill it up and get a couple of spoons and eat the whole thing with some friends. Yeah we are stupid but admit.....you would laugh if you saw 4 guys eating a huge container of cereal.

oh i forgot i have clothes in the dryer and its almost 1:30....i need to sleep....more tommorow
Shalom

good days

2006-02-16T00:23:00.000-05:00

today (yesterday) was a good day. I just finished RA duty and about to enjoy some sleepy time. Got a ton of greek work due tomorrow. I'm on duty this weekend and its going to stink because Winter Jam is friday and I wanted to go. And I don't think there will be very many people on campus so not alot of people to hang out with.

Good news is I got alot of stuff done today. I got the vans secured for our rock climbing program next week (all apt guys and suite guys are invited).

Played scene it! tonight and won again. I'm so far undefeated and thanks to Looy for being a great partner.

really want to some how see/get this movie called Nochnoy dozor, the english translation is Night Watch....its Russian and it is apparently incredible. I've spent so much time looking up stuff about this movie it is down right stupid, probably should have been doing actual work :(. anyway Night Watch is only coming to America tomorrow in select cities. But the dvd is out in Europe as well as the sequel that has already been released to the theaters and its called Day Watch.

on a side note....kinda feel like if I felt this passionate about Bible study all the time I might grow by leaps and bounds as a Christian. I am reading books and scripture some but not as much as I feel I really should. Kinda feel like I have some misplaced passion. :( anyway I'm working on that too.

Well folks its 1 and i've gotta check the lobby and then I'm crashing.
Later

like/love is a four letter word.....

2006-02-13T23:43:00.000-05:00

yeah i said it....like (love) is a four letter word!

Valentines day is here HOORAY :(.

What stinks is I wish I had a nice girl to do something for tomorrow. I wish I just knew a nice girl that would actually date me. I may be a little picky but you have to be. I'm not bad looking by any means, I happen to think I'm pretty nice and I know I'm pretty darn hilarious. It just makes days like tomorrow ...really stink.

I went to walmart tonight and they have tons of flowers. I passed them on my way back out and stopped, I looked at them some of which were very pretty. I stopped and picked one up and looked at it and thought about giving one to someone. And then I threw it back in the stupid display it was in. Its just frustrating.

I just wish I could meet a girl that was into me and not some jerk.

I think if you like somebody you have to tell them. It might be embarrasing to say it, but you will never regret stepping up.
--Don Miller

I'm not saying I disagree with Miller. The hard part about relationships with girls is completely saying how you feel because there are two paths that conversation can go down. I was bold and stepping out on a limb last year and last semester and it worked for a while, I was confident in myself and really felt like something might work out but it didn't. And after it didn't that really did something to my confidence. I just feel like all the nice things I do are pointless, girls like jerks and I'm not one so I'm easily overlooked. I know thats not true all the time but when stuff like that happens to you more than once....it does get old.

Anyway I'm not going to talk about girls for a while because it wears me out.

Happy Valentines Day

the picture

2006-02-13T09:03:00.000-05:00

Enjoy!

bowling night

2006-02-11T14:55:00.000-05:00

Last night I went bowling with about a bagillion other people from the school. Student activity bowling night! yeah. It was pretty fun and I had a really good time.

Andrew my old roommate was in charge of the thing and he made it "dress like your nuts" bowling night. So everyone dressed up....including yours truly. I was put up to it by a friend of mine but it was funny. She gave me a huge fuzzy coat and a mobster hat...yes let that mental image roll around in your brain.

I had a really good time, bowled one of my best games and managed to win a free one too!
Took me a little bit to get over seeing someone I really didn't expect there and the fact she was on the lane behind me didn't help at all. But I survived lol.

I lost all three games to a friend of mine.....she beat me pretty bad too. But the great thing about last night, I didn't have this overwhelming desire to be competitive I was just trying to bowl and have fun. It turned out to be the best night of bowling I'd ever had and me and my friends went a lot last semester.

anyway...as soon as I get a picture of me in that coat and hat I'll post it up. I figure it'll be worth a couple of laughs

What's so amazing about Grace?

2006-02-09T00:25:00.000-05:00

Picked up a little book by Phillip Yancey today. note the title of this post. It is really deep in a simply way. Hits the mark and keeps on punching. I read the first chapter and this beautiful quote was at the end of the chapter. Here it is.

Many years ago I (Yancey) was driven to the conclusion that the two major causes of most emotional problems among evangelical Christians are these: the failure to understand, recieve, and live out God's unconditional grace and forgiveness; and the failure to give out that unconditional love, forgiveness and grace to other people.... We read, we hear, we believe a good theology of grace. But that's not the way we live. The good news of the Gospel of grace has not penetrated the level of our emotions

As Christians (the Church as a whole, the Bride of Christ) we should be the people the lost, the poor, the sick and the hurting turn to for love and help. Instead we are the last place most of those people would look for help let alone love and to me thats pretty horrible.

rough day...

2006-02-08T01:26:00.000-05:00

today was a rough one.....

Woke up and i felt like i had been beaten up in my sleep, so I hurt all day. got tackled playing frisbee and that pretty much did me in for the day.

Then went to get ready and prepare for Unwind.

So yeah...it was a disaster. I was already flustered from stuff from the day and we planned the date way back in January and what happens. 3 other student activities pop up on the same date as ours. Then 10 minutes before we start our program the bulb in our projector blows. So our weekend update skit just died. To top it off I had to close with a devotion, and it was from some thoughts i've been having regarding dying to self. I was so frustrated at that point I had notes and i couldn't read them. I actually read the passage I wanted to alright, i was just so frustrated I couldn't see straight. honestly at that point i just wanted to say...hey thanks for coming....i'll pay you cash to come back next time.

the crap thing is the day before was a really great day and then i wake up and blam.....mack truck rolls though and demolishes the next one. I want some consistency.

anyway life is good....just frustrated and i feel stupid, nothing i'm not used to.

its almost 2 and i'm literally about to pass out.

i hate duke

i feel cynical

2006-02-05T00:37:00.000-05:00

We just finished watching Lewis Black for about 2 hours, it was a great to laugh with a bunch of friends.

Today was a pretty good day. Went for lunch with a friend at Sardi's in Clemson, had a great time, had some laughs, talked about a ton of stuff. I like having really good conversations with people.

Went to the baseball game for a little bit, interviewed some prospective RA's and went to dinner.

I've been RA duty since about 7 and its probably the most boring thing on the planet EARTH!

I have something I really want to write about but i'm really tired and I want to go to bed.

time for some R&R

2006-02-03T14:43:00.000-05:00

well got my History of the Wesleyan Church test back today....and I dropped a train on it. 96 i'm pretty happy about that. Took a Systematic test about 30 minutes ago though, we'll see how that turns out.

I'm on duty all weekend so I'm stuck on campus for the most part. Hoping to have some people to hang out with, maybe play some Scene it!. Tommorow night Cody, Hank and I are going to watch every single Lewis Black standup show we can get our hands on, its gonna be great and we need to laugh.

got stuff to do.
peace

interesting quote

2006-02-03T00:51:00.000-05:00

"What is sad, what is very sad, is that we are proud people, and because we have sensitive egos and so many of us live our lives in front of our televisions, not having to deal with real people who might hurt us or offend us, we float along on our couches like astronauts moving aimlessly throught the Milky Way, hardly interacting with other human beings at all."
--Don Miller

probably not buying that tv cable now

full swing

2006-02-02T20:41:00.000-05:00

Things are pretty much in full swing for me. Greek is actually kinda fun! Just felt like saying that.

Anyway our College/Young Adult thing went well (not sure what to really call it)

Started reading Blue Like Jazz, almost forgot how great it is. I really want to read Through Painted Deserts now.

Really want to get some new dvd's soon. I would like to get the Firefly complete season but it is expensive.

I'm starting to want to go buy a tv cable so i can watch TV in my room. Makes me nervous because i've done without for almost 9 months now, i have a feeling this could be bad.

Anyway, tests to study for and stuff to do.

Later

U2 concert!!!!!!!!!

2005-11-20T22:00:00.000-05:00

Yes finally I have seen one of, if not my favorite band in the world live. U2 was amazing, the stage show was crazy with all the lights and effects. But the music was incredible. I heard all my favorite songs. Beautiful day, Sunday Bloody Sunday, I Still haven't found what I'm looking for, Where the Streets have No Name, Bad and With or Without you. They played more classic U2 which I loved. Its hard to write about concerts because its just something you have to experience. Heath and I talked about it afterwards and he said he hoped heaven was that way. What he was refering to when he said that was the way 18,000 people in that arena knew the songs without having to be shown the words and it was so loud. Heath said he could picture the angels in heaven leading us in a chorus of worship and it sounding like that. So yeah it was pretty amazing.

On another note this past Tuesday Heath put me in charge of developing and spearheading a new college and young adult service which is everything I've wanted to do and have been thinking about for a month or so now. I'm so blown away by this new responsiblity; we both feel like this could be a great thing for this area. A time for college students to get together for some comedy/fellowship and devotion time.

Headed home in a couple days for thanksgiving which will be nice.

Everyone have a great week,
Shalom

Emery/As Cities Burn concert....how I celebrated my 22nd b-day

2005-11-02T15:51:00.000-05:00

It was incredible to say the very least!

The first band we got to hear play was As Cities Burn. they were awesome....rocked my socks off. Got the bands autographs which was pretty sweet.

But the highlight of the evening was Emery.
OH MY GOSH DID THEY ROCK..........AND ROCKED HARD
I can't really describe the concert but it was awesome

The set list was

So Cold I Could See My Breathe
Ponytail Parade
Playing with Fire
By All Accounts Today was a Disaster
Fractions
Returning the Smile You Have Had From the Start
UNDER SERIOUS ATTACK (awesome song)
Left with Alibis and Lying Eyes
STUDYING POLITICS (one of my faves)
and the last song was WALLS and it freaking rocked

me, cody, jared and jeffery screamed so much we are all horse now.

not myself lately....

2005-10-25T00:09:00.000-05:00

I just haven't been myself lately. I've been easily angered, mean, mouthy I'm pretty sure some other things too. To those people I am sorry If I hurt your feelings.

Lately I've been reflecting over the summer. I learned and grew alot, before this little stretch of dumbness I really felt like I'd become more well rounded. I don't blow up about stuff that much anymore, I more even keel about little bumps in the road.

I miss it though. ALOT! Probably what set all this off was my friend Jackie's AOL profile. It has "I miss the ocean when I sleep" and "Tri Till I Die". The first thing made me think about the fact that.....I lived on the beach for 2 and a half months. It was in-freaking-credible. I loved what I did, talking to people, families, performing skit nights for kids and my personal favorite, Sunday night bon-fires on the beach. I spent 2 months on probably one of the most beautiful places on Earth....its hard to reflect on that and know i'm stuck in Central SC barely passing Greek again. The second part "Tri Till I Die". Tri is in reference to Rodanthe, Waves and Salvo. Those are the three little towns that made up where I was. Rodanthe was where the KOA was and where my house was. Waves was the next town down, seriously like a mile down the road, and then Salvo which was the last town before hittin open HWY 12 and then hittin Avon. I just plain ole miss it.

I miss Saturday nights in Lisa's Pizzeria with Wilson, Sara, Corey, my man Mitch, Benji, everybody, I just miss it. Jackie getting me my sweet tea without even asking what I wanted to drink.

gah......I miss the ocean when I sleep

a stroll with my grandmother

2005-10-09T17:34:00.000-05:00

so the other day while I was home for break I decided to go visit my grandma like I usually do. I rounded the corner to her street and I see her walking she tells me to go park and join her, so I do. I meet her and we start walking toward Lawson Cemeatary which is right behind her house and is where my grandfather who recently passed is buried. I know she misses him they were married for 57 years. So we continue walking, I had to keep slowing up because I walk fast and my grandmother is like 77 and short. So she interlocks her arm in mine and we walk and she gives me a short history lesson on the cemetary and all our family buried there. We get out to the grave site and she tells me about the head stone she got and the engraving on it and stuff like that. The thing that I noticed though is the cracks in her voice as she talked about grandpa. We walked back to the house and sat around and talked and then we went to dinner.

The next morning I go over to say goodbye and we sit and talk for 30 minutes or so.
She starts to talk about how when my uncle is gone off somewhere thats when it gets lonely. We talk about church a little and because she's Epicopalian they have church on thursdays. And then my grandmother says possibly the most romantic thing about my grandfather i've ever heard. She said that some thursday nights my grandpa would say "you can't go to church" and my grandmother would ask why not? He'd say "because i'll be lonely without you". That really just moved me, not upset or anything but, it made me smile and at the same time I know I have no clue how she feels right now. I know she misses him so much.

On the 4 hour drive I had to get back here to school, I thought about a ton of things.
But my mind kept coming back to that conversation and the day before. They had this magnificant kind of love, the no matter what love and I feel like today we've lost a little bit of that. Thats the kind of love we should have, do we love people for who they are as a whole person. I mean seriously life is a fickle thing, what happens when you love someone and they get sick and are hospital ridden, what happens if there is a accident and they aren't the same, what happens when the tough times come? I hope to say that someday I look back on things and I can turn to my loved ones, my wife (someday) and kids (someday) and i can say......I loved you through it all.......i love you completely.

Like the love Jesus showed us ........a true and everlasting love

hard rock!

2005-09-02T12:46:00.000-05:00

Its like the middle of the day and i'm kinda bored so i figured i'd make a post. I've been listening to Christian hard rock for sometime now and honestly i love it. I like other music too don't get me wrong but here in the last 5 months or so hard rock has been where its at for me.

I guess its because I'm an emotional person, my emotions affect how i act and respond to things. When i'm listening to a band like Blindside, Underoath, Emery or many of the other screamo/hard rock bands i feel like i'm ready to go, i feel like i could pick up and run a marathon....and half way down wesleyan drive i'd pass out lol. They communicate so poetically while screaming, its like being able to yell and make sense and talk about God all at the same time.

I think Christian music is really going places, its reaching people in a radical new way and showing them Christ's love.

I've compiled a little list of some of the bands i'm currently listening to.

(these first ones are personal faves)
Blindside
Underoath
Emery
Anberlin
Brave Saint Saturn (really heart felt lyrics)

(Others that are really good)
Demon Hunter
Showbread
Norma Jean
Beloved

If you have any to suggestions please post a comment.

Rock on!!!!

letting Jesus have me.

2005-08-30T22:56:00.000-05:00

Since sunday we've had spiritual emphasis here on campus and its always a really awesome experience. Daron Earlewine from the Crux ministries in Indiana has been our speaker for the last couple days and he's been great. He's dropped some really thought provoking and heart felt messages.

In the state i've been in lately of thinking about everything this last 3 days has been like going 30 rounds with Tyson back in the day when he could kill you with a punch. I've had alot of questions and thoughts and I'm changing and it scares me slightly. Since this summer I've changed alot and its strange because I'm back here and I've grown and changed and I remember where I was last year and its strange to reflect on myself .....even if it was only like six months ago.

My biggest thing is I get so stinkin wound up in things. People from this summer and people that know me well from back home always say "man you got some crazy passion about things, it explodes out of you". And yeah i guess its true most of the time. but my problem is I feel i'm not passionate about things God wants me to be passionate about. I've read and enjoyed two of Don Millers books recently and in Blue like Jazz he comments on passion. He says something to the extent of "We should pray that God makes us passionate about God things instead of empty world things" That really hit me...hard! And then this week with Daron talking about surrendering our All to Christ. And I know I don't. I could make you a list of things that I hold onto with a kung fu grip. I'm so tore up inside because I want this burning fire of a relationship with God and I always seem to fall off right when I think I'm doing well. And i'm sure Satan contributes to it because he knows what tears me apart and he uses that against me pretty dang well. I want to know God intimately, like Job did, like Moses, like the apostles had with Jesus. IT FREAKIN KILLS ME INSIDE BECAUSE SOMEDAYS I WANT TO SCREAM, all I want is to be is right with God, to be in his will.

I want to surrender everything, I want to be passionate about God things. I want to feel God's love around me and pouring out of me.

and now I'm completely wore out from this

back in the swing of things......kinda

2005-08-21T00:24:00.000-05:00

well i'm back at school. I've been here for two weeks now and I do enjoy being back. I'm an RA this year and i enjoy it so far, we have a few kinks to work out with this new building but things are going well all the same. i've played frisbee like 5 times already which has been great, new people are playing this year so its good to have new blood. my room is pretty nice, i really haven't done all i'm going to do to it yet. I do have a couch and in my own unique sense of style it is an old van seat complete with seat belt. classes are looking promising this year, well with the exception of greek but even it is looking like it might be survivable. And last but certainly not least by any means, i'm so glad to be back around my friends here. i've missed so many of you this summer and to be back here is really great

I have a feeling i might be doing a lot of posting on here this year. i'm experiencing alot of growth and change, mostly spiritual growth which i feel is good. i've done alot of reading and thinking about things and i feel like i've had the blinds that have been over my mind and heart knocked into next tuesday.
its a really strange sensation, i feel at peace about alot of things, life things and God things. i feel like i have a relationship with God and i actually want to hear Him and read and know Him more. God is great

well peeps its like 2 sunday morning and yeah i want to sleep now.

Music to check out: Switchfoot: Stars.
Its off their new album yet to be released and i must say HOLY MOLY its hard rockin and i think this might be a sweet album. so anyway....check it out

2005-05-10T11:00:00.002-05:00

Mike and Brady?.....wow that looks painful

2005-05-10T11:00:00.000-05:00

Mike making a face

home sweet home....

2005-05-10T10:39:00.000-05:00

being home with the family is nice. getting to relax in my house and eat good food is always a big plus. yestarday i had jury service....i was dismissed so i won't be up for it again for 2 years....yay. its so boring around here...seriously...i'm about to bash my own skull in with.....something misshapen so it'll hurt alot lol. its not really all that bad but none of my friends are coming home in the next week. on the 20th i leave for cape hatteras and i'm looking forward to that alot. i'm out.....here are some pictures

close to the end...

2005-05-02T07:52:00.000-05:00

it's been an interesting semester to say the least, the very least. I'm kinda sad about leaving this place. it like home now i don't want to leave. i'm thankful that some of my good friends are still going to be here next year. i'm in a state of being utterly tired and worn out, my throat is hurting me and i'm hoping i don't get sick. there have been countless good times this year and a few rough ones, but all of it has been worthwhile. next year will be pretty sweet, RAing in the new suites will be awesome and i'm really looking forward to that.

i'm looking forward to this summer alot, i know i'm going to be given the opportunity to do things i've wanted to do but was either too afraid to do it or didn't get the chance.

well i've got a quite a bit going on right now and it's 9:00 and i've got greek and the only reason i'm in bed (other than the fact i'm lazy) is because i don't want to miss class.

more later

w00t

2005-03-01T17:37:00.000-05:00

i figured out my login name finally yay.

ok where to start. well last week was nice. i mean real nice. monday was alright, tuesday was alright, wednesday was pretty sweet. wednesday I went to lunch with Heath and since he knows a bunch of local radio station guys i got to meet those guys. they were all pretty interesting characters and it was fun to talk sports with them. but the coolest thing was that the Clemson Womens basketball coach ate with us. Yes i know, Clemson women who cares. But i sat across from this guy, can you say you've eaten lunch with a division 1A school coach? WELL GUESS WHAT I CAN.! so yeah that was cool. on a low note, cody, jay and myself were all recovering or feeling sick so we lost our frisbee game by 1 point. it was frustrating for several reasons. i wasn't throwing for distance like i usually do, i couldn't run because of the crap in my lungs. anyway next week we'll play harder.

thursday and friday were alright. saturday i got home. sunday was good. Went to a youth missions rally in kernersville with Brian and the kids. It was awesome. Cody was there so it was good to hang out and junk. got to talk to b-hill and andy roy which was awesome, me and andy caught up a little bit, it was good to hear he is doing well. ran into some friends i hadn't seen or talked to in a while so that was good too.

that brings us to Tuesday. got up this morning went to help dad with a house. i picked up some piping and stuff for sinks. when i wasn't cutting ceiling tiles i studied greek. I studied about 4 hours worth of greek and i'm honestly feeling more confident about several things. i'm going to make it this semester, i will not let this thing beat me.

Wish there were some people around here to hang out with cause i'm pretty bored.

well thats it i'm out
jason

so far so good

2005-02-20T12:10:00.000-05:00

well it would be just a little into sunday afternoon and its been good so far. I am feeling better, my throat is sore from all the drainage but i can tell its healing. most of the cold is gone and i'm in good spirits. Heath got me a stinkin awesome present. he got me the Red Sox World Champion hat. I've gotta break it in and stuff but it's a sweet hat. well i'll write more later.

Jason out

recovery...

2005-02-20T00:49:00.000-05:00

man I hate being sick. HATE i'm using hate here. yeah second time in 5 weeks i've been sick and i'm rather tired of it. for almost 3 days now i've had to quarantine myself to keep from passing it along. anyway its been rough, i mean rough. and to top that off i had a powerpoint presentation on friday......little did i realize that a 5 to 7 page research paper was also due....and i planned for just the power point. So on top of being sick i had to write a paper thursday night. I got it done and everyone said for being sick i was on my game with the presentation. The paper however i'm sure i'm going to be eaten alive on. anyway i'm trying at least. i've been so absent minded lately and really not all there. its wierd too i've felt like i've really just wanted to be alone. i don't really understand it, maybe its being sick but i kinda feel anti-social. i have a feeling its just not being 100%. a little sunshine though...the pastor i work for heath called me tonight ...he went to florida for a youth pastor meeting and he called to tell me he had something for me and that i'd flip my lid.......now my brain started to think......what does heath know would make me flip my lid. well MLB spring training is in FL right now. that means my boys the Red Sox are there. hmmm if it is some kind of Red Sox gear i will flip for real.

i'm kinda tired right now but i can't sleep because i've gotten about 20 hours of sleep in 2 days so....i feel like a battery. but i prob will go to sleep soon just so this bug doesn't come back on me.

later

i don't get people at all

2005-02-08T01:38:00.000-05:00

i don't get people at all. for what ever reason i actually believed i knew people. but nope they continue to surprise me all the time. even here at SWU a christian university they surprise me. now i'm not perfect i get angry and i mess up and and sometimes i do things i shouldn't but i can honestly say i'm striving to grow.

yeap i'm going to rant again

i don't care who in the world reads what i'm about to say.

IF YOU COME TO A CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY AND SIGN THE HONOR PLEDGE AT LEAST TRY TO LIVE BY IT.

some people go out of their way to break it. seriously.......don't come down to the lobby after you've been drinking whatever to play cards, thats just ignant (spelled like that way for humor) .

am i completely wrong? i don't think so.

****end rant****

back to work

2005-01-10T11:54:00.000-05:00

back in the big Central SC. Glad to be back, missing my friends and my good buddy Jake so its different around here.

The good thing is so far financially i'm looking good. I still want to get a job somewhere working like one or two days just enough to make some pocket money.

Looking forward to playing some frisbie and running again. I'm not looking forward to greek but my goal is an 80 to an 85. I know i can do it if i just study.

well more later

peace

i think too much

2005-01-05T05:14:00.000-05:00

i just finished watching Ned Kelly and now i'm listening to a bunch of live music from Jimmy eat World, Yellowcard and Jet. And getting down to buisness I can't sleep.

I've had alot going around in my mind here lately. Alot of different thoughts on life and God and faith and a few other things.

What has been troubling me most here lately is santification and sin and truly stepping away from the sin that keeps me captive and from being truly what God wants me to be. Its been a hot topic here lately surprising since i'm not at school with so many people around that would discuss this sort of thing. I finally realized that as humans we do have control over sin, it is a consious decsion to sin or not to. Of course we need help, something that will keep our focus on holding fast to what God has set for us rather than letting ourselves get mired down in this world.

For a long time I bought into the lie that we can live a comfortable God fearing life while comfortably wallowing around in sin. Why I thought this and at times get fooled into believing again I don't know its our nature and its something I want to change. I don't want to be a like the pharasees, i don't want to be this "thing" that Satan can hold in front of God and say "this is a believer? this is a servant of yours? God what are you doing? this kid is preaching and look at him. Wow God you know what your right those human beings really love you and that son of yours look at this one, he loves you, he loves you so much he keeps doing things asks for forgiveness but oh look yeap he does it again. Wow God you really know what your doing"

Understand that is just my own thoughts there but seriously do we as Christians ever consider that Satan might come at God? I know its slightly liberal on my part to think I can understand what goes on on the supernatural realm. But Satan talked to God in Job so I guess i'm going off of that. But why do we want to be subjects to sin or to Satan? I can see what it does to my life what it makes me think and say and do. I don't like that. I don't like thinking somehow I am hurting God or Jesus or that i'm just some "thing" Satan likes to pull out and throw in God's face.

So I guess after all that I'm trying to say I believe in santification. I believe that with God's power we can triumph over sin. And that i'm truly tired of being a slave to satan and his sin instead of a servant of the holy God.

I ask that we all hold each other accountable and especially those that are called to preach we need to be on tighter guard of each other and demand more from each other.

well it's 2:40 in the AM and breakfast is at 7:30

"In the economy of mercy
I am a poor and begging man
In the currency of Grace
Is where my song begins
In the colors of Your goodness
In the scars that mark your skin
Is where my song begins"
--Switchfoot

Peace and Love
Jason

man this is going to work............................BOOOOM

2005-01-04T16:00:00.000-05:00

yeah thats basically how i feel after spending 40 bucks on digital cable and stuff to digitize my xbox signal to my reciever only to discover................that my reciever only has digital out. What a bust I've got to take all that stuff back to Best Buy and I hope get my money back.

Went to asheboro yestarday to see some swu bros. It was super fun, the pizza was great polished it off this morning for some breakfast. Got to see jake one last time before that sucker goes to oxford (you freakin punk) .

Glad to be going back to school here in the next week. I'm missing everybody and I might actually snag an apartment which would be really nice considering I could cook. Looking forward to getting back into the swing of things, having a set schedule gives me something to wrap myself around because sleeping til 2 is for the birds.

On a personal note.........I need a accountability partner. I think it would strengthen my walk a great deal. We have our little groups at school but I'm talking a one on one kind of thing. So if anyone is willing just let me know

well later

calling all bored swu students

2004-12-16T21:33:00.000-05:00

for all those swu students that are home but incredibly bored there is something approaching on the horizon to aleviate your swu-sickness.

A planned Huddle House gathering or some kind of social gathering is currently being planned.

If you have ideas or suggestions feel free to post them here or send an email to me
Jason.Williams@swustudents.com

Merry Christmas guys and girls

bored

2004-11-11T21:03:00.000-05:00

These are strange times we live in. Boston won the World Series, I turned 21, and Bush was re-elected. Talk about a wild couple of weeks since my last post. Went to WCU to vote, found out for some reason my registration was messed up so I cast a provisional ballot that prob didn't count but hey I made an effort and he won anyway. Any way Halo 2 has come out and its pretty sweet. I don't play as much as about everyone else around here, I still haven't beaten it where as some people that don't even own the game have lol. Anyway school is going ok, this semester is a beast. I expected to be able to come into this semester and basically do things like i've always done them, but its still awesome. Somethings are a little disappointing but the good cancels out that. I'm glad Bush won, but I won't gloat about it because Kerry ran a brilliant campagn. The issue I have taken offense at really has nothing to do with the Democrats themselves just their "over zealous" supporters. Half of Hollywood declared to leave the country if Bush was re-elected. My issue with Michael Moore was that 2 days after the election he was screaming impeachment. The issue with the Hollywood folks is this, they seem to love making millions of dollars, expressing their opinions and having that awesome right to vote. However, following the voting usually comes the results. So they love America, the money, their rights but the moment that Bush gets elected they say stupid things like moving to Canada. Now don't get me wrong Canada is wonderful place but why say something like that? You love the country so much that the instant that one of the most awesome things that we have the right to do doesn't go your way you want to turn your back? Is that patriotism or something else? And secondly Michael Moore just why does he have it in for Bush? Impeachment seriously what has Bush done to deserve impeachment, certainly not sex in the Oval Office. Maybe I'm completely wrong, in some peoples opinion I'm sure I am but hey look I just expressed another right of mine. Free Speech.

2004-10-26T15:17:00.000-05:00

The straw that broke the camels back

The thoughts and ramblings of a poor college student

2004-10-26T00:14:00.000-05:00

Well in less than one week I'll be 21, and then we vote. I really hope Bush wins even though he is the lesser of two evils. I really don't understand how anyone can support Kerry, but I'm sure there are people that don't understand why I support Bush.

School isn't too bad here. I missed dinner tonight which was bad considering I have no money to spend and we have one caf and it's only open for an hour and a half. Still trying to get adjusted to not having somewhere to go to eat all the time. And I miss the comradery of being the RA of my halls (yes I am still the best RA N L-wood has ever had) always someone to hang out with. There is nobody down here in the dungeon of 1st floor.

Boston is doing well. I'm rather excited to see this whole thing play out. I know they can win the World Series the way they are playing. Everyone asks me "how long have you been a fan" and I usually respond with "a year or so". I guess everyone wonders why I'm so intense about it. What is it with being intense about something. Yeah I like my team. I'm this intense about everything; ask my friends. Getting worked up and in this frame of mind helps my mood, If i'm sad getting super excited about something helps pull me out of my mood. I know I often over exaggerate things, but thats just how I am. Something good happens it's the greatest thing in the world. The down side of that is when something bad happens it's the worst thing in the world. I have an inbetween I just don't know how to describe it lol.

Looking forward to the Asbury and Headquarters trip..........my first outing as a SWU student where I get to see my bro Chuck. It's going to be awesome.

anyway more later